God's Faithfulness

There are times I need to remember what God has done, to help me when my memory falters and my faith fades. This is what this post is all about. It's a testimony of God's faithfulness, his kindness and an answer to prayer. I 'm writing this today because I know down the road I will need to be reminded because I tend to forget when life gets hard. We need to constantly be reminded of God's truth.

I had an appointment with my oncologist this week, one I always dread, but this time in particular because last June when I saw him he told me in December I was going to have to decide whether I wanted to go back on some type of anti-estrogen drug. These drugs are used to help prevent breast cancer recurrence in estrogen positive tumors. They like you to be on these drugs at least five years after diagnosis with some doctors now suggesting up to ten years (my doctor is in that camp) I have been on a "drug holiday" for about eighteen months because I didn't tolerate the drug they had me on very well. Lots of side effects.

The oncologist mentioned a different drug he wanted me to try when I came back to see him in December, but first he wanted me to get a little healthier. If I decided I didn't want to take the drug, there wouldn't be much else he could do for me so I would be discharged.

Did I mention I have been cancer free for four years, with no evidence of disease recurrence.

December got here really quickly. I hadn't much time to think about it.

There wasn't a right or wrong answer, which for me made it all the harder. I weighed opinions, researched, talked to my husband and prayed. As I was driving up to his office I still didn't know what I was going to do. My prayer all the way there was a simple, Lord help me

You want to do what you can to prevent recurrence, but I was finally feeling well again. (and it has taken months to get to this place)

As it turned out I didn't have to be make a decision at all, I wasn't even asked. After evaluating how things had gone in the last six months, he told me that he felt going back on the drugs would not be a good choice for me. I would most certainly have side effects that would cause some of the same problems I was experiencing in the past. ( a silent thank you Lord). He had a natural alternative he wanted me to try, a supplement that has shown to have a mild aromatase inhibitor effect (anti-estrogen) He wanted me to continue with my anti-inflammatory diet (another silent thank you Lord) and to follow up in six months.

So lets see, I didn't have to make the decision, I was given an alternative treatment, and he wanted me to followup in six months, an answer to prayer on many levels.

I don't always see obvious answer to prayer like this, there are lots of things I am praying for that I haven't seen answers to yet. But this was a faith builder for current prayer requests and future needs, a reminder that the Lord continues to work in my life. He is faithful

Drug Holiday Continues

I have been on a "drug holiday" from my Arimidex for the last couple of months. The purpose was to see if they could get me healthier. The good news is I have had a lot of improvement off this drug, the bad news is that they want me to go back on something else but are going to extend the "holiday" a couple of more months. The purpose for the extension...he wants to give me a chance to continue to get healthier and he wants me to get moving....that would be to start exercising.

Now like I said this is a temporary thing, we will be discussing drug alternatives when I see him again in September. In the meantime he wants me to start drinking pomegranate juice on a daily basis. Apparently studies have shown that it works as a very mild aromatase inhibitor. Aromatase inhibitors help block the production of estrogen....estrogen fed my tumor. Arimidex is just one of  the several aromatase inhibitors out there that are prescribed for women who have estrogen positive breast cancer. He made it quite clear that drinking pomegranate juice could not replace taking one of the aromatase inhibitors but it was something I could do until he was able to get me back on another drug that I could tolerate better. When I asked him if I really needed to go back on something the answer was yes...I was too young and the risk of the cancer reoccurring in the long term would be too great without continued treatment

The down side of drinking this stuff, is it's high in calorie and I think it's on the expensive side. I was told you can find it cheaper in places like Costco but have not made the trek yet....it also has a taste that takes some getting used to, not bad just "surprising" I can only drink it cold

Now to the other part of the recommendation...the get moving part. I have pretty much been a couch potato for the last couple of years. Since surgery....almost two years ago,  I have been able to resume walking and do some light gardening (no more digging or heavy lifting at this point) but as far a going to the gym, bike riding or long distance walking....that has not been happening. Following surgery I had one medical problem after another and a hip that just wouldn't tolerate much exercise. I have never been able to get to the point that I was presurgery. The good news is things are much better, including that pesky hip...so hopefully I'll be riding one of these again real soon. I have this little excursion planned for August, there will be some walking involved....perhaps that will be my motivation to get moving

**Please note I am not a physician, never make any changes in any type of your treatment without consulting YOUR  physician first, this would include adding things like pomegranate juice to your diet...every situation is different**

On Holiday

When we lived overseas the locals would say they were going on "holiday" when they went on vacation.

I am on a holiday of sorts...mine started last week. Now before you start thinking warm sunny beaches or mountain getaway, let me quickly set the record straight, my holiday has been provided by my physician and no she has not sent me anywhere, I am on a drug holiday....specifically from the drug that helps prevent my cancer from reoccurring. Although the jury is still out on this one...the side effects may be outweighing the benefits

I thought health issues were beginning to settle down, but my blood pressure continues to be a problem, either it's too high or I start to have side effects from the meds that are being used to control it.  (they have tried several combinations)  There has been a meeting of the minds...my PCP and my oncologist...and it has been agreed that I can stop the cancer preventive drug for now to see if blood pressure improves. I am not totally off the hook, there is already discussion about a different med that they want me to take
The adventure continues, I won't lie...fear and frustration creep in pretty easily...this is not going according to MY plan, Oh how tightly I cling to the idol of "my way" Sanctification...it's a life long thing


Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus  Philippians 1:6

Marking Time With The Seasons

The doctor told me it would take a year.

I was getting ready for my second surgery and felt like I had not yet recovered from my first surgery...my get up and go had gotten up and gone...again he said... it would take a year and added...it will take a year from the surgery you have coming up...not what I wanted to hear

                                                 Initial diagnosis and surgery Fall 2010

Winter, the wait between surgeries
  

Spring 2011, second surgery

Summer, they begin testing again because of some pain issues and physical therapy starts

Fall 2011 is a season of testing, scanning and more testing, because appetite not good and stomach quite disagreeable

Winter, blood pressure starts to go a little crazy and have an infection that has required a couple of months worth of antibiotics

Spring 2012

Okay I know it's not spring yet...but we are close.

It has been a year....he was right

My husband noticed first but he didn't say anything right away...then I started to notice. It's been kind of a gradual thing...like the buds blooming on a tree...then one day you notice the tree is in full bloom. That is kind of how it has been with me...it seems like all of a sudden there is this strangely familiar person back in our house...I hope she stays awhile... if I remember correctly she used to like to cook...that will be a nice change...oh happy day

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze  Isaiah43:2

Tunnel Vision

I was having a discussion with a sweet friend the other day, catching up on everything that was going on in our lives. We see each other regularly but don't often get into the "weeds" I was talking to her about my weariness of ongoing medical issues, we keep waiting for this storm to end, but the rain bands keep coming ashore. From my perspective this was all about me, this storm was someting God was using in my life to change me, show me things, teach me. Obviously I wasn't getting it, right?

She wanted me to see the bigger picture. Her thoughts....others are watching, they are watching my response to the storm, they are watching to see where I put my trust, where I get my strength, how do I let this effect my day to day. They are watching. I also have some opportunities I would not have had, people who would not necessarily cross my path had I not had cancer. Opportunities to let the light of God shine. Perhaps, just perhaps this isn't about me anymore but the people that God has put in my path. Just a thought 

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven  Matthew 5:16

It's Been a Year

Tomorrow will be an anniversary of sorts, it was one year ago that I began this blog. I was in the midst of my cancer diagnosis and my DIL suggested I start a journal to record my thoughts, she meant paper and pencil...blogging never crossed her mind, but that was the first thing I considered

Now if you knew me, you would know I am NOT the blogging type. I am not a writer, not really computer savvy, and not one who would be willing to have emotions out for display. In fact I was a closet blogger for several months, only giving out the link to a few trusted friends and family. I would visit other blogs but would never comment because I did not want to be found.

From the beginning of my diagnosis I believed God wanted to do something in my heart. I was influenced by the article written by John Piper  "Don't Waste Your Cancer" Wouldn't it be a terrible waste if I came out of this unchanged. Might I add, whatever trial God is using in your life, don't waste it, see it as an opportunity for God to grow you spiritually. Let him mold you and shape you according to his purposes. (note to self, remember what you just said)

Cancer put me face to face with my own mortality, again would I let him use this as an opportunity to change me. After some prayer I believed the Lord was leading me to be more transparent, more honest about what was going on in my heart. My blog was a great vehicle for that, but I knew it had to go further, it also had to include the people God had put in my day to day life....people that could ask me the hard questions.

I considered stopping the blog last spring, I didn't want a breast cancer blog anymore, but I was encouraged by several people to continue. Just so there is no misunderstanding, I  have blogs I follow of those that have battled cancer, I just knew if I was to continue this blog my direction needed to be different. So I tweaked the title a little, changed the focus and carried on. I also started commenting on different blogs and to my amazement got comments back. There was a whole community out there.

I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has encouraged and supported me in this endeavour. I remember when I pushed publish for the first time...my thoughts...what are you doing??!!

 A special thank you to my fellow bloggers, your support, encouragement and prayers have been overwhelming. There have been times when I may have had a particularly hard day and a comment would just bring me to tears. People I don't even know caring enough to encourage. Such is the body of Christ.

Yet, O Lord, you are our Father, we are the clay you are the potter; we are the work of your hand  Isaiah 64:8

Taking a Moment to Reflect

I knew I could not let this day pass. Despite all preparations for the coming storm my thoughts also go back to the events of a year ago today, the day I was diagnosised with breast cancer

We went to the surgeon hopefully optimistic, I had no family history, no risk factors. The appointment started off well, they did another ultrasound, the tech talked about what I could expect next, I didn't pay much attention, this wasn't going to have anything to do with me.

The surgeon did a needle biopsy of the non calcified lesion that showed up on my mammogram, it immediately collapsed, a good sign, meant it was fluid filled, probably not cancer. They went out of the room to look at the films again. When he came back his demeanor had changed. There was another area that had not showed up on the mammogram that showed up on ultrasound the tech had just done. He did a second needle biopsy on that area, results would be in a couple of days. My husband said he knew when we left the office that day what the results were going to be

God was able to use the events of the last year to show me my heart. I saw that I was putting my trust in things other than God in many cases. Idols in my heart that I didn't even know were there. One of my continuing struggles, is to let go of those idols that I want to cling to. In my life I had put a high value on physical health, if honest, I cared more for my physical health than my spiritual health.

I still have to ask myself, is God enough even if my physical limitations remain, or if my cancer returns or..... you fill in your on blank. Will he be enough for you even if your circumstances never change. Can you still have that peace and joy only he can provide. We all have to get to that place and its a daily journey.

Our lives are full of storms, literally like the one that has us in it's bullseye and metaphoracally things  like illness, financial hardship, difficult relationships, wayward children. If you have ever stood on a beach you know as the waves come in they pull the sand from under your feet. Lifes a lot like that too if you are not standing on a firm foundation. Are you standing on that rock? Are you clinging to something besides Jesus? Is he all you need?

Warriors Welcome Here

Just a quick update for all. Although we have no " official " news yet concerning bone scan results, we have peace that all is well.

I was supposed to have a doctors appointment tomorrow, but my husband is traveling this week and wanted me to go with him. Easy decision, rescheduled the doctors appointment for next week packed my bags and off we went.

Now to the many folks who have been praying for us, all I can say is thank you...people I know and people I only know through cyberspace, I have been truly blessed by the outpouring of support and prayers.


To the friend who stopped over my house, to pray and talk to me...thank you. To the friend who called me that evening and tried to help me see truth, then drove me to the scan and sat with me for two and a half hours...thank you. To all the friends who were texting me and emailing with prayer and scripture...thank you

It's comforting to know you are not standing alone, that others are praying when you cannot, that there are people who can remind you of truth, those who are sensitive to the leading of the spirit and will respond to his leading.

One of my very favorite Psalms is Psalm 16 , and the verse that has been most speaking to me these last couple of days is Ps 16:8

I have set the the Lord always before me, because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

The body of Christ is a precious gift we all have available to us

The Belt Of Truth

Life can be difficult sometimes. Things don't always go as we plan. There can be job loss, wayward children, death, health issues, loss of any kind.... you fill in the blank. Our responses can be anxiety, depression, fear, unbelief, frustration, confusion, feeling overwhelmed, weary, the list can go on.

We had a discussion in our ladies group the other day on how as Christians we need to battle these emotions. Ephesians tells us to put on the full armour of God, and what is the first thing we are told to put on...the belt of truth. Here are some truths I have found this morning

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Deut 31:6

Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence the Lord is my helper I will not be afraid  Hebrews 13:4b-5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight  Proverbs3:5-6

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purposes  Romans 8:28

When you pass through the waters I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you  Isaiah 43:2

God is sovereign and in control  "Consider what he has done, who can straighten what he has made crooked" Ecclesiastes 7:13

Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord did not decree it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things happen  Lamentations 3:37-38

The Lord will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life, the Lord will watch over your coming and your going both now and forevermore  Psalm 121:7-8

I did not realize at the time of the meeting that I would need to start preaching these truths to myself  the next day. I found out yesterday that I will need a bone scan this morning because of an abnormal MRI. When you have had a diagnosis of cancer in your past, fear creeps in very easily. With the help of others I have been focusing on what is true, putting on that belt of truth.

Smiles All Around

Life at our household continues to settle, finding a routine again. We have found "sweet lady" a home, she moves in next week. We looked at her studio apartment today, they are in the process of painting, she has asked them to paint it pink...so pink it will be.

She has spent the last two days there, I drop her off in the morning and she comes home with us at night. It has been a good way to transition, friends have already been made. We were greeted with hugs this morning from one lady we met yesterday...I think we are going to have some new family.

"Sweet lady" is happy, there is a brightness to her voice, she smiles more. Recently she has been telling us "I came down here to help you guys" When she told us that again last night, my husband smiled and said you've already helped us more than you know.... and she has

It has been a life changing event, but in a good way. Still in the process of trying to figure it all out, finding our rhythm. When I think over the last couple of weeks I am still amazed at God's grace and provision. I sometimes think to myself,  how did we do this? Wasn't us, it was all God!

One more reason to smile, oncologist appointment today, all is well...NED (no evidence of disease)

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance"    Psalm 16:5-6

I Think We Might Be There

I feel like I am returning from a faraway place...like I've been gone for awhile...but life is beginning to look a little familiar again...routines starting to fall in place.

Work went well this week, I will probably resume my normal hours next week, gonna miss that afternoon nap. The weather has been nice, I was able to get outside and do a little gardening (I transplanted seedlings into bigger pots, does that count as gardening?)

Appointments took the better part of my day yesterday. First was the plastic surgeon...this was the appointment I had been waiting for...I am now able to do what ever I want, no more restrictions (first thing I did when I went home was pull some weeds in the garden, it felt wonderful) There will be continued followups...forever?..if so just add him to the list. Compassionate guy, on my first followup appointment after my mastectomy he called the lab to find out if my pathology report was in, had it faxed, then gave me a copy. (I didn't expect to find out anything till I saw the surgeon the following week)

Ended my day at the eye doctor...been three months since corneal ulcer healed. "Readers" no longer an option, I need something for distance as well...I am just "legal" to drive. Had me trial contacts last week...very nervous (contacts caused the ulcer) but I did well...think I am going to give them another try...they have to come out every night and I have a pretty cool cleaning contraption. Wearing them makes me feel like myself again...I had no idea it would make that much of a difference in how I felt.


Cool little cleaning device for contacts

My tendency is to try to rush back into life but I feel like the Lord is telling me to slow down...not so fast...look to me...I will guide you. I am praying for wisdom and continued contentment...I know he is directing my path.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you"

Psalm 32:8

Dirty Laundry

I have mentioned before that I have someone doing my laundry, temporarily...it has been a great help, but you have no idea how hard it was to let someone do that. Think about it, really think about someone doing your laundry..everything. It's all out there, the rips and tears, the stains, the items you would rather not be out in the open. Like I said it was real hard for me...how could I possibly give my friend ALL my laundry. Would you hold certain things back? I wanted to.

This is the second time I've had help with the laundry, the first time was after my first surgery. It was last fall that the the Lord showed me how letting someone do my laundry, was similar to letting others see the "dirty laundry" in my spiritual life, you know sharing the good, the bad and the ugly with those who would be close to you...like those in your small group. I was one who who did not want anyone seeing my "dirty laundry" Reluctant to share or be transparent, fueled by fear of man, pride and/or rejection I would keep much of my laundry out of the light of day.

Then came cancer...that changed everything. I had come across an article a few months before by John Piper "Don't Waste Your Cancer" it was time to reread it...it gave me a new perspective on things...a new prayer...Lord don't let me come out of this the same...if you want change it requires action. I started to let people in, became more authentic, was willing to air my "dirty laundry" so God could begin to change my heart. I started this blog shortly after that, something way, way, way out of my comfort zone but felt the Lord was telling me...time to get real...time to get all the laundry out in the open, the blog was also a place to record the whole breast cancer journey.

I wanted change, I did not want to come out of this the same. I would never chosen to have breast cancer...but God has been able to use it for his purposes. I am not the same, I look at life differently,relationships are much more important, I have new priorities...I try to see things with a more eternal perspective. You know we don't always understand why bad things happen, don't always get to see the good things that come from trials...I have been blessed in this respect because God has allowed me to see some good that has come from this.

Just in case you were wondering...yes I am going to continue to blog...but I hope it will be less about breast cancer and more about the simple day to day and how the Lord is working in my life and things he is showing me along the way.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal"  2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Easing Back into Life

I am beginning to realize things are going to be a little slow for a awhile. I had this idea on how things should progress, you set a goal with a time frame, work towards that goal and voila...everything back to normal. Thought I was being realistic, six weeks following surgery, that should do it...right? I am at week five and am no where near where I thought I would be. I am learning to let go...it's a process, one of the hardest things I have had to learn through this whole thing is to let others do for me. Much easier to be on the giving end instead of the receiving end...very humbling.

I continue to have people helping me...a sweet friend  came over and weeded my garden the other day, simple thing but such a blessing. I continue to have a friend who is doing my laundry and we have only recently finished all the meals the ladies had prepared for us after my surgery.(When food was brought over, there was always more than enough, we would put a portion in the freezer for later use.) God is so kind in putting these precious people in our lives. I am so very thankful.

Progress is slow but it is progress. I continue to increase my household activities and errands and God is giving me wisdom as I go through my day. When the anchor goes down, I stop no matter what my plans might have been. Contentment, it's a struggle sometimes...my life looks a lot different than it did eight months ago.(that's not necessarily a bad thing) There are days when I wish I had more energy...trying to remember this is just a season...this too shall pass...praying for contentment.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul"  Psalm 143:8

Preparation

Started the process of getting ready for my upcoming surgery yesterday. Went to see my PCP, with "laundry list" of issues that I wanted to discuss with her in hand. First, I don't sleep...her advice..take the sleeping pills....second, joint pain...no easy solution for that, but she was very supportive of going gluten free. (said 80% of her patients who go gluten free have a reduction in joint pain)Wasn't a fan of the Ultram long term, or the large doses of tylenol I was taking (lot of tylenol without a lot of relief...not much bang for your buck)I wasn't crazy about taking all that tylenol anyway. Maybe try Celebrex again after surgery if oncologist gives the OK. Lots of blood work done,  told me if my iron level not improved from the last time it was drawn (back in Nov.) I will have to have an iron transfusion before she will give me clearance for the surgery. (frankly I have never heard of an iron transfusion, is it like a blood transfusion?) Praying that the levels will be fine....really don't want to have to do that...just doesn't fit in my schedule. Getting a little anxious as I start to think about surgery again....not looking forward to it. Praying that I will be able to rest in the Lord and trust in him as I walk through these next couple of weeks.

Going Gluten Free

I decided to try going Gluten Free last week to see if it would help the increased joint pain I was experiencing while taking Arimidex. Joint pain has been a problem for years, Arimidex just makes it worse. I have been reading that a Gluten sensitivity can cause inflammation, which can increase joint pain in some people. I had noted earlier the nurse practitioner for my oncologist said eliminating Gluten would not help joint pain...but I wanted to at least give it a try...if it doesn't help...I haven't lost anything. What has surprised me was how easily it was to find Gluten Free items. I knew Trader Joe's market had a lot of Gluten Free items but I have easily found many items in the store that I shop at. Several types of pasta, snacks (my favorite being "Sticks and Twigs" which my little grand daughter also loves) frozen waffles, baking mix just to mention a few things. Went online to search for Gluten Free pizza and came up with YNot Pizza (which just happens to be done the street from us... would be nice for Superbowl) Also found another site which listed several restaurants in our area which have Gluten Free offerings including Five Guys, Red Robin, PF Chang and Carrabbas. I am just beginning, eliminating the obvious stuff first...I know many products contain gluten that you wouldn't think...I am still in the process of discovering those. Hoping the diet change won't be too difficult to maintain..if it helps it will be worth it figured I'd give it at least a month. On another note called my oncologist today to give an update on how I was doing without Arimidex..they never called back... (hugely busy office)... really doesn't matter....I already knew I was supposed to go back on something, either the Arimidex or the Aromasin (which they had given me a script for) So tomorrow it's back to the Arimidex....holiday is over.

Arimidex "Holiday" Continues

Spoke to my oncologists nurse practitioner and they want me to stay off my Arimidex for another week, sounds good to me. What they want me to find is a baseline...in other words..how would I be feeling without it. Reminding me that some of this joint pain could be age related...I had history of joint pain prior to cancer..all this true but the Arimidex has definitely increased it. Request is valid, asked me to keep a pain diary...what pain meds taking....how often...effectiveness etc. I haven't really figured out how to best take the pain meds..concerned over Taking too much tylenol and liver problems and not sure the best way to take ultram.Right now feeling pretty good...of course it has been 10 days since my last dose.NP not impressed over my concerns about Aromasin...says side effects similar to Arimidex..except Aromasin has a steroid in it that seems to help some women...I am not convinced...she says I read too much...probably true... the bottom line is they don't care what I take..."just realize you will need to be on this for five years and we don't want you to end up a crippled old lady" (was that comment meant to get my attention??) I told her I would continue to think about it..I am supposed to call her the end of the week let her know what I decide to do. I will probably continue with the Arimidex unless it starts to effect my mobility then I will change to the Aromasin. I would like to see if I can make a difference with going Gluten Free (she did not think it would help) and increasing my activity. There are so many factors to consider..I would really prefer being on none of this stuff but it's kind of my insurance policy... I will continue for now...quality of life does have to be a consideration...for now I am going to enjoy my break. On a more exciting note I have some photography opportunities coming up, chance to focus on something I enjoy, maybe learn a few things. That has been one of the goals I have set since my diagnosis....don't wait....do what you love...make the most of every opportunity.

Are we There Yet?

Last couple of days have been difficult...I have been very emotional...major meltdown that was triggered by having to glaze a cake....don't even ask!  Finding myself in tears frequently for seemingly no reason....all someone needs to do is to ask how I am! (checked on reservations for a vacation event yesterday and  ended up in tears.... get the picture?) I see my plastic surgeon tomorrow and am anxious for my appointment, I continue to have pain from the expander's which seems to have gotten worse, not better, I really want to know what he has to say about the possible causes of the pain.  Blood pressure better but not sure I can continue with the medications the doctor had me try....experiencing some side effects...spent a couple hours at Urgent Care this morning before church because of symptoms I was having that felt like a urinary tract infection.....it was! Needless to say, feeling kind of crummy today. I know I have it better than many breast cancer patients do....I am not doing chemo...and I don't have to do radiation....and yet this still has been so hard. You know how kids are always asking "Are we there yet" when going on a long trip? I was just thinking, with some amusement, that today I feel like that kid in the back seat asking"Are we There Yet?"

No Regrets Please

We never really know the number of our days. We make assumptions, at least I have, that we will live to a nice old age. This year my younger sister lost her husband, without notice, at age 45, then my cancer diagnosis, so much for assumptions! You never really know, do you. The Lord has given me the opportunity to face my own mortality, to see just how fragile life is, to see that things can change in a moment. I don't want to have any regrets at the end of my days (be the days few or many). I am thankful he has met us during this time, continues to help me see things with "new eyes", and I am thankful that my prognosis looks good. My fear is I will fall back into old habits, that I will cling to what is familiar, take things for granted again. That I will be too fearful to make changes in my life as the Lord directs. I want to be receptive to the Lord's leading, even if it's in a direction that is not in my comfort zone. I want to learn to trust him more, leaning less on my own self sufficiency. I have a tendency to lean on my God given abilities more than God, yes acknowledging that my abilities come from God but not always asking how he would have me use them.  My prayer is that I would be more receptive to his leading, so that at the end of my days I will have no regrets.

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom"   Psalm 90:12

Results

Long awaited results are in for Oncotype test and they are good. I received a score of 11 which is at the very low end of the intermediate risk. A score of 10 and under is a recurrence rate of about 6%-8% and get little benefit from chemotherapy, in fact the risks of chemotherapy outweigh any benefit. An 11 is a little higher recurrence rate, but not by much. My husband and I had done quite a bit of research and each had our own numbers in mind concerning chemo. I had decided I would do chemo if I scored a 17 or above, he had decided that if I scored 15 or above I should do chemo. My prayer had been, not that I wouldn't have to do chemo, but that it would be clear cut choice, either high or low results, so that I wouldn't have the burden of yet another hard decision to make. The oncologist had told us that if the numbers fell into the "gray area" we would be making the decision with his guidance. He said he helps to educate the patient so they can make the best decision. Thankful it was an easy decision. Although I would love to have guarantees about never having to worry about a cancer recurrence, I realize that there are no guarantees. I know fear is something I will continue to battle, especially anytime I have a new ache or pain or unusual symptom. Cancer will always be in the back of my mind and I will be seeing an oncologist for years to come, another little reminder of my cancer diagnosis.

 My focus though, needs to be on the great news we received yesterday, the faithfulness of the Lord in all of this and his sustaining grace. His many mercies, which indeed have been new every morning. The next step for my treatment has been the addition of Arimidex. My cancer was estrogen positive, the estrogen in my body helped it to grow. This drug is supposed to help decrease estrogen production and it will help decrease the recurrence rate of cancer as well. Lots of side effects, will navigate those as they occur, two other drugs to choose from, if this one causes too many problems, we shall see.  Reconstruction will continue, but now I have a better time frame for when it will be finished,  probably in the spring. This also means we can go ahead with our plans for our delayed anniversary trip this January. The tissue expander's might cause some problems, but I pray that I will be more comfortable with them by then.

Again wanting to be more thankful than anything else at this point, I want to be very aware of God's care in our life's, his attention to the details, and his great faithfulness.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23

Oncologist

Long awaited oncologist appointment today, oncotype results were supposed to be back by today but that did not happen. Apparently this test is only done in one lab in the country, all samples are sent there. The doctor called to see when the results would be ready and was not going to be before Wednesday at least, so we wait. The appointment was not a waste though. Oncologist very much into educating his patients and I felt like I learned a lot. We went over the pathology report, he explained that my tumor was just over a cm, estrogen/progesterone positive. I will be getting some type of anti-estrogen drugs to treat it. He explained a little about the oncotype test, what the scores meant. If below 10 he will not recommend chemotherapy, if above 30 I will have chemotherapy. His guess is my number will probably be between 16-20,

which would be considered a "gray area". When we asked him what treatment do you recommend when it's in the "gray area" he said that he helps educate us so we can make the best decision on what to do...hmm.  Also said there was a clinical trial available that we might be interested in,but this is to think about for later, don't even know where I stand yet. I thought I would be upset about not knowing the results but actually, I'm OK with it, gives me some time to do some research, there is no hurry, they are not going to do anything until I heal from surgery anyway. One thing he was able to do was to give me some information on the difficulty I am having with my left arm. He did not feel like it was lymphadema because it was so localized to the axilla and upper arm. He showed me where lymphadema would start, what the symptoms were that I should watch for and what they do when they have someone who develops it. He measured my arm, edema localized to upper arm, felt it was trauma from the surgery and that it would get better in time. Also told me some things I can do to help the pain. That he took my concern seriously and took time to check the arm out and explain everything to me, gave me great peace of mind. I still have two more doctors appointments this week. When I was a visiting nurse my patients would always complain about all the doctors appointments they had, I can now understand the inconvenience of it all. Tomorrow I see the plastic surgeon, will probably put more saline in the expander's. This is a pain, literally, helps stretch out my chest muscles, so at some point I can have implants put in. The pain I have with the expander's is an everyday reminder of my weakness, my limitations. I need that reminder, because too often in the past I relied on my physical strength, my health, my abilities. I now realize how fragile that can be. I believe the Lord would have us do what we can to take care of ourselves but it is His strength we must rely on.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"

So that would be my prayer, that I can find delight in my weakness, that I remember that this is for a season and for God's purposes

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory"