Embracing This Season

Last fall I considered going back to work. I have to admit there wasn't a lot of thought process involved in the decision or much time spent in prayer, it was a more of a reactionary response to some events we were experiencing. (never a good thing)

 I went online, found a position that looked promising, put my application in and forgot about it. Fast forward four weeks later... I was called for an interview.... again without thinking.. OR praying about it. I agreed to the interview and a week later  I was offered the position and accepted it.

I now had a job but no peace....none. It seemed like the perfect position, the hours were flexible, and the compensation was good, but had I really considered all that would change at home? Had I considered the physical challenges? Had I really counted the cost of me going back to work?

The truth was I had enjoyed being home and it has been good for me physically. Last year was kind of a recovery year for me, so it was easy to justify not looking for employment after I lost my job but, I have been feeling so much better, wouldn't I be more of a help bringing in some extra income instead of staying home?

Now, I was praying about it, (better late than never) I was thinking about what I do at home, and what things would invariably change if I went back to work. The first thing I realized was that I needed an attitude change, there was still a part of me deep down inside that believed being a nurse was more valuable than being a homemaker, especially now that my children are grown.

This is familiar territory, I have been around this mountain before. When I first stopped working I made a list of how my time could be used now that I was home

• I can work my schedule around my husbands needs
• More available for grandchildren, I can go to events and be available to assist in care
• More available for Sister-In-Law's care, and many in the facility could use an encouraging word
• I'm friends with several young moms without moms locally
• More opportunities for hospitality
• Learning new things

I eventually declined the position I was offered a week after I had accepted it (before I technically started) I realized that what I was doing at home right now had more lasting value than what little income I could bring in. Is this permanent? I really don't know...life continues to change and there may yet be a time when I will find myself back out in the work force, but for now I am going to embrace this season of mine.

Finding My Way

It was one month ago that we got the news that my job was going to be eliminated. We were given five weeks notice but I decided to pack up my things the next day and call it done. I had a flex position, so I was not obligated to work till the job ended.

It has been an adjustment but I 'm not sure I would call it difficult. The angst I used to feel Sunday nights is gone....that's a good thing.  I have had time to take care of tasks that I used to try to fit into my schedule and we are going to start "Grandma Days" with my Little Miss this week.

I still am a little lost though, still trying to figure out what normal looks like. How does someone who has worked in some capacity outside the home for the last thirty one years change gears? The temptation is to fill up my "white space" with outside activities, there are things I would like to do but I also feel like I need to go slowly, that I need to learn that it is okay to be quiet...of course that's not how our world operates....the pull is there to be busy...all the time

So far my days have been spent taking care of some much needed projects at home. Closets, and drawers, and cupboards...oh my! Amazing the stuff we have pigeonholed over the years. There are enough of those to go through that I could be kept busy for years...no kidding. But then I have also enjoyed the quiet times... more time to work on a bible study that I am attending at church and I have actually been able to finish a book I started reading the beginning of summer...yikes!

On other news, most of my coworkers found other employment, we are all nurses, so there are jobs, some ended back in the field as visiting nurses, some physicians offices, others in compliance positions elsewhere. We had a farewell luncheon last week...said our last goodbyes.

 I believe the Lord orchestrated this entire event, prepared me along the way. I have peace about being home but to be honest I am still trying to find my rhythm

Lord you have assigned my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance  Psalm 16:5-6

Tying Up Loose Ends

There was one more little detail I had to attend to before I could officially say I was done with my job. Last spring we were told, as a requirement to continue in our positions we had to take an exam for certification in our speciality. We had to the end of the year to accomplish this and we had to pay for the cost of the exam ourselves (it was expensive) I was told even though I was PRN, I was still expected to take it.

I had spent the last several weeks studying for this exam, I even had the book shipped to California, so I could study while we were there.  I had paid the fee and registered to take the exam a couple of weeks ago. You were allowed two attempts to pass, I was in the process of getting ready to retake it, (I didn't pass the first time) when the announcement came that our jobs would be eliminated in October. Because they had made the exam a job requirement and now were eliminating the jobs, they would reimburse anyone who had paid to take the test....okay that was a good thing.

I had to make a decision.... I had done all this prep work, should I still go ahead and take the exam anyway? I already had a day scheduled with my proctor for the retake. Now, there was really no point, no benefit that I could see....but I had put all that time into studying

But I do believe that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose  Romans 8:28

At first glance this whole thing seems to have been a total waste of time, but I know I only see dimly while God sees the big picture. Surely he had a purpose in all of this. Right now I don't get it and maybe never will but I did decide to follow through with taking the exam...complete what I started, no matter that it didn't seem to make any sense. I took the exam Thursday, it's done

That was the last little piece I had to take care of, I am now completely done. This chapter has ended, I had been with this company fourteen years, so it is a little sad.  What's ahead?..... I will be home for now, I am not going to actively seek new employment. I think it's time to just be still for awhile...oh, and the exam, I passed

A New Chapter

Some days are full of surprises, today was one of those days. I generally work on Mondays, so nothing different there, but there was an unexpected meeting scheduled off site for this afternoon. I have to admit I had some thoughts about having a meeting off site...there are reasons they do that.

After we all had gathered in the conference room, the announcement was made that our jobs would be eliminated in a months time. You could almost hear the air being sucked out of the room. I think it would be safe to say most were stunned. I was surprised, but the thought of this being an elimination meeting did cross my mind....like I said, why else would you have a meeting off site?

Since I went PRN I was told that my status could change at any time, so it was as if the Lord had already prepared me for what was ahead. I have been working, but only a couple of days a week, but this isn't just about me, I have coworkers that have literally had the rug pulled out from under them. There was a multitude of emotions in that room and all I could feel was compassion.

The next couple of weeks will be difficult, there is still work that will need to be done, transitions that will be taking place. My one question, do I continue until the job goes away in a month or do I stop now, it really is my choice at the moment. Lots of things to consider, there is the people factor, relationships I have made and what my role is now in helping to support my coworkers...I do believe God has a plan and a purpose in all of this....maybe it was to get me moving...have I ever mentioned how I dislike change.

Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance  Psalm 16:5-6

A Week In Pictures

Last few photos from Monterey...we left Friday and are now back home. Because my husband was working much of the trip, there was lots of time alone, I had some concerns about that before we left, what would I do with myself all day? I had brought books to read, and I had my computer, so there was plenty to keep me occupied. Our room was equipped with a coffepot, hot plate and small fridge so I was able to do breakfast and lunch without having to go out. Mornings were spent reading while sipping coffee and munching on bread that I crisped in a skillet. By noon the weather generally cleared (lots of fog) and I would venture out and explore the area. Favorite destinations were Big Sur and Point Lobos State Reserve.

I was encouraged by friends before I left, to use this time to be quiet before the Lord. You would think it would be easy being away from every day distractions but it was really hard. I don't do quiet well, that being said, I needed the quiet, I needed to take a good look at what I was doing, look at things that needed to change. The job has been the subject of much discussion in our home the last several weeks and being away from it for awhile has been good...I needed the distance. We have decided I will continue with it but on a much limited basis. It was one of the things that has been adding a lot of noise to my life. When praying for direction there was no big lightening bolt moment, but more of a...you already know what you are supposed to do whisper. Family, friends...invest in what I have already given you...invest in what will have lasting value. Nice to be gone, nice to be back 

Time to Be Still

My job continues, but looks totally different than it did. I am working on an as needed basis and was told that with budget concerns I probably would not be working much...I had no problem with that, I felt like the Lord wanted me to be willing to let the job go and I had. The next week I was told I could work as much as I wanted to in July and I was trained to do another job in my department, so I could be available in that position if needed. I have been working less (by choice) and I have been able to decide when I work, including taking time off  time when I need to.

I saw this as temporary, every indication I had gotten from my manager was this was temporary....but now it looks like it could last awhile and I am left a little perplexed. What am I supposed to be doing? I thought the job was ending or at the very least be limited. I don't mind the job, the pressure is now gone and I have flexibility that I wanted, but is this what God had in mind all the while,was it just the willingness to let the job go? Do I continue where I am at or is there another direction that God has for me, I feel like I am at a crossroads of sorts and need to hear from God.

 "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

Husband is out of town on business...I am with him. He is gone all day working, I am alone without a schedule. This is something that is quite foreign to me, (no schedule) but its a good thing. I have been encouraged by friends to use this time away to be still before the Lord, to let family handle things at home and to turn off my cell phone..(probably can't do that)  I have planned to do some reading (I brought some much neglected books) some photography...it is a beautiful place and yes I have planned to be still.

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice, in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation  Psalm 5:3

Gonna Be Some Cooking Going On

Because of my job change I am now going to have more time on my hands...or at least that's the theory. (There are those that have their doubts) I get so excited when I think of all the different things I can now do, some of the projects I would like to tackle, but I wanted to get some feedback from my husband to see if there was anything in particular he would like me to do with all my new found "free time" first. He replied that he would think about it and send me a list...email of course...it is after all the electronic age. I was surprised by the following list that I received

     My Special List...things you can cook

•  Your special pizza                                    
• Special pasta sauce
• Home made bread
• Chicken pot pie
• Texas chicken salad
• Fajitas
• London broil
• Barbecue chicken
• Brownies

Got to love this guy, not exactly what I was expecting, wow I never thought about doing more cooking  It's not that I don't cook, but meals here, well they are kind of simple most of the time, anything that requires much preparation is usually reserved for the weekends. So you know what I am going to be doing with some of the extra time I have on my hands don't you.... I am going to be cooking...I started by making my special pizza.

Holding Things Loosely

I have been bringing things home bit by bit, piece by piece, who knew you could squirrel away so much stuff in an eight by eight foot cubicle. So far I have brought home several pictures, a lamp, some miscellaneous junk and three count them three umbrellas. I have decided to take the offer to change my status to PRN instead of completely resigning, the only requirement they have stipulated is that I take a certification test in my speciality by the end of the year. My status officially changes on Sunday, I already know I will be working some in July...but much less. My working will depend


on their need and my ability/willingness to work, it may be a little, it may be none at all

I started taking things home because I didn't want things to feel permanent and it was a way for me to continue to let go. A couple of my coworkers started sizing up my cubicle when they heard they news, I have to tell you my thought was... Really, could you wait until I'm gone! This is still my cubicle....mine! Doesn't matter that I didn't say it...it is after all an issue of the heart. The more they "surveyed" the more annoyed I got


 I stewed about this for a couple of days until the Lord got a hold of my heart. I was reminded that we are borrowers, renters, caretakers.... He owns it all. Part of the process of letting this job go was letting it all go, even my little "space" (which wasn't really mine) This applies to so many other areas of my life, things I cling onto but the Lord is kind enough to show me just one thing at a time. Right now it's all about this job. I know I am to hold it loosely, and to be willingly to walk away as the Lord directs.

After a little heart work with the Lord, I did go to my boss and offer up my cubicle late last week, I said I would work in whatever empty desk was avaliable when I came in, I then made arrangements with two of my friends that were part timers to share their space whenever they were off...after that I started taking things home....it has been absolutely freeing! You may be thinking...all this because of a cubicle.... God can use just about anything to do the refining that needs ot be done in our lives...the last two weeks he used a cubicle in mine

A New Chapter

I had been thinking about making changes with my job for quite some time.  I had considered quitting altogether after my initial surgery, but I wasn't ready, going back to work represented getting back to "normal"... I enjoyed what I did, and I only worked part time

When I came back from FMLA I did decide to work less. I went from four days a week to three and twenty five hours a week to twenty. Things worked for awhile, then it started getting hard. Family responsibilites changed, I continued to have medical issues, demands at work were increasing and the flexibilty they had previously given me was decreasing...it was obvious I was going to have to do something different

My first attempt at making a change was to see if I could get my hours reduced even further, maybe instead of three days a week I could work only two. The answer that request was no, I would have to continue with my current schedule....I left that meeting discouraged, I thought they would be willing to assist, but they had needs as well.

I didn't think continuing the status quo was going to work....but what was I going to do, I have been at this job a long time. I prayed for wisdom, direction and an attitude change. The more I prayed the more I realized there were some bigger issues going on with me than the just the job, issues that included, where I was finding my idenity and where was I putting my trust. I knew I needed to be willing to let the job go...and I did.

But this is not the end of the story, shortly after I submitted my resignation I was asked if I would consider changing my status from part time to PRN (as needed) instead of resigning. I would be able to decide when and if I would work, when they had the need for additional help. This was quite an unexpected twist and one I wasn't prepared for....I haven't given a answer yet...still praying/thinking about it, I need more details.

Whatever I decide, life is going to look different....I will have more time to do the things I know I need to do.  A friend of mine got very excited when I told her the news. Her comment was that I was starting a new chapter in my life...I never really thought of it like that but I guess I am


I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own, it is not for man to direct his steps  Jeremiah 10:23


Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me Psalm 119:133

Change Is Coming

I am making a change in my life....a big change for me. Kind of scary and exciting all at the same time...I can't tell you what the change is yet, but I will when the time is right.

It's a decision I have been wrestling with for several weeks, praying that I would not be ruled by my emotions, I needed to know what to do, I needed clarity. Today I had that moment, I remembered what was important...what was really important....I think I had forgotten, so my decision is made, now I just need to put things in motion. Sweet Husband already knew...he just didn't know when it was going to happen...how did he know? I didn't even decide until this afternoon...guess that's what happens when you've been married forever...love that about him

Can you guess what I am doing? I 'll tell you later I promise... but have you ever heard of the expression fish or cut bait... well I 'm cutting bait....going to have more time on my hands

Changes Are Coming

 I have been muddling through a situation that has knocked me off balance the last couple of days, it wasn't that I didn't have warning that changes were coming, I just thought it would play out differently. My response has been anything but biblical, I have been fuming, stewing and even losing sleep over some decisions that were made that would directly effect me.

The Holy Spirit was nudging me...you need to stop... but I was like a dog gnawing on a bone, I wasn't ready to give it up. Who doesn't like tossing and turning with sleep out of reach because your playing that stupid tape in your head over and over again, with all those imagined conversations your gonna have.

Again this morning the Holy Spirit nudged me...you need to stop reacting. What is it that you say that you believe?

Do you believe...Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purposes

Yeah that one, do you believe that?

Time to step back from the drama of the situation and begin to respond like I believe what God's word says. I prayed this morning that God would change my attitude...he has. Weeks ahead are going to be interesting and the temptation to get pulled right back into the drama is going to remain, after all the situation hasn't changed....but I am praying that when I am tempted to despair he will remind me once again that nothing comes into my life that is not filtered by him...and that he uses every situation for my good and his purposes. There is comfort in that when you really think about it.