Relationships

Thanksgiving holiday is over and what a sweet time it was. Got to spend time with my two sons, my daughter in law and grandchildren, always enjoy that, such a blessing. We were also able to see friends we have not seen in almost thirty years...what a joy that was. I was amazed at how easily it was to just pick up conversation, like we had just seen each other, when you are united by the blood of Christ you are family, time and distance are irrelevant. I have been thinking about the importance of relationships. We are not meant to walk the Christan life alone, God has put people in our life to walk the walk with us. People that will rejoice with you, laugh with you, celebrate with you, cry with you. People that will walk along side of you when you are going through tough times, that will help bear the burdens, that will point you to the promises of God, that will love you with the love he provides. People that will encourage but will also be willing to point out error in your life. To experience this it requires a willingness to be transparent. This has always been difficult for me, It will require me to be real, to be open with my struggles, my pain, my fears, my dreams. I am at the point in my life that I welcome this, I want God to continue to change me....and I believe the people he puts in my life are all part of the process he will use.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways"   Psalm 139:1-3

Thankfulness

Each Thanksgiving our family takes the time to reflect on what we have to be thankful for, this year is no different but I am more acutely aware of the many blessings in my life, the many things I have to be thankful for, so in no particular order

1. I am thankful for my family, my friends and all the various people that God has put in my life. I have felt so blessed as I have been loved, cared for, encouraged, and supported, especially these last few months.
2. I am thankful for God's provision, for our home, jobs, food, transportation etc....for the many creature comforts we have become accustomed to (like turning on a facet and getting clean water, or turning up the thermostat and getting heat)
3. I am thankful for days when I can sit outside and drink a cup of coffee and check out my garden, or pick a tomato I grew in that same garden, or watch a hummingbird, or a rabbit munching clover. Thank you Lord for these little pleasures.
4. I am thankful that my cancer was found early.....I can't really say I am thankful for my cancer, that would be a lie...but I am thankful for how the Lord has met me during this time, for his faithfulness, for his comfort, I have never felt alone during this time..I have always felt like he was with me.
5. I am thankful for my salvation, and even though I have listed this last it is the most important, the thing I am most thankful for, because of my salvation..I have a future and a hope. 

Reality Sets In

Feeling better, beginning to do more and more each day, and  with  that comes the realization that I have been pretty insulated these last several weeks. I have not had much to worry about except taking care of the basic necessities during this time (showering, dressing, eating), that is now beginning to change and I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed. I continue to work on getting all the paperwork together needed for work.....no small task I might add! I think everything is at least in motion. I have found out that my boss has changed and my tasking is not going to be what I expected. The one thing I can be thankful for is she has agreed to the work schedule I have asked for, and the time off I need. Hoped that I could float or partner with someone and that is not going to happen, at least not now. I could trust Him with the cancer why am I having such a difficult time giving this whole work situation to him as well. I have to come to the place where I see my work situation with the same eyes that I saw my cancer diagnosis. That it is no surprise to God, and it can be used for my good and his glory, If only I will just give it to Him.....trust in Him.

"Be at rest O my soul , for the Lord has been good to you"  Psalm 116:7

No Regrets Please

We never really know the number of our days. We make assumptions, at least I have, that we will live to a nice old age. This year my younger sister lost her husband, without notice, at age 45, then my cancer diagnosis, so much for assumptions! You never really know, do you. The Lord has given me the opportunity to face my own mortality, to see just how fragile life is, to see that things can change in a moment. I don't want to have any regrets at the end of my days (be the days few or many). I am thankful he has met us during this time, continues to help me see things with "new eyes", and I am thankful that my prognosis looks good. My fear is I will fall back into old habits, that I will cling to what is familiar, take things for granted again. That I will be too fearful to make changes in my life as the Lord directs. I want to be receptive to the Lord's leading, even if it's in a direction that is not in my comfort zone. I want to learn to trust him more, leaning less on my own self sufficiency. I have a tendency to lean on my God given abilities more than God, yes acknowledging that my abilities come from God but not always asking how he would have me use them.  My prayer is that I would be more receptive to his leading, so that at the end of my days I will have no regrets.

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom"   Psalm 90:12

Drowning in a Mountain of Paperwork

Days ticking down and I do have to start thinking about going back to work. Received an email yesterday from leave management, because I had not responded to request for short term disability they were closing the file. How did I miss that. Searched through my emails for the request and there it was dated 10/12. All of the emails looked the same, I had just disregarded, plus received right before my surgery and was not thinking clearly. I have been on the phone all morning and have thankfully resolved that issue. The amount of paperwork is daunting. I had to have physician submit paperwork to extend my FMLA, then I have to have ALL physicians and the hospital send all my progress notes to leave management to get the short term disability started and finally when I go back to see surgeon I have to have him fill out yet another form saying I am "fit for duty". I sit at a desk all day, seems ridiculous! I have started the process, done what I can do for now. How easily can the anxieties of the day just rob my peace. I pray that I can learn to give it all back to him (the problems, concerns etc) as I find myself getting anxious. Remembering his care for me, and that it has not ended.
Physically I am getting better. I had another fill on Tuesday, but told the plastic surgeon of the pain I was having and he only put 30cc in, I ended up being much more comfortable. Best news is I may not have to have anymore fills, I will not see him for another month! I still have pain, especially at night, but I have managed to stay in the bed  without having to go down and sleep in recliner. My left arm continues to be a problem, I have a tight cord that runs down from my axilla, and I have pain down to my wrist. I continue to do stretching for it and expect to need physical therapy. I think that is one of the sources of my anxiety and work, physically I do not feel ready. I need to remember I do have a couple of weeks left before I am due back, much can change during that time. I need to sit back and trust the Lord in the details of my life. He knows me, the bible says he is "familiar with all my ways".

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you"  Psalm 116:7

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul"  Psalm 94:19

That is my prayer today, that I would find rest and peace, free from anxiety, and that I would remember how he has faithfully met me during these last weeks. Remembering that he has not changed, his word remains the same, his promises remain the same.