Grateful

Another visit to the plastic surgeon another "fill".  I know what to expect by now so it is easier to plan. I know that I will be sore, so planned for a low key afternoon, OK, so my afternoons are already low key but I decided to make sure I napped. Have also learned that taking Advil regularly before I get too uncomfortable is key. The nurse showed me some exercises to do to help with left arm pain and tightness from surgery and I will begin doing those. Will get another "fill" next week, so much for my 2 week break, but at least this part will get over with more quickly. Spoke with my surgeons nurse and she said doctor may order therapy after I see him on the 29th. Made some calls about extending my FMLA a few weeks, does not look like it will be a problem, it goes to the 24th of November right now. I would like the option of being out until mid December but we will see what happens. There are still so many unknowns. I also called my manager at work today, gave her an update on my status, talked about what I would be doing when I came back. I would like to decrease my days to three days a week (Monday through Wednesday) and she was fine with that. Talked about time I wanted to take off for travel and she was fine about that. This was a call I was dreading and it went very well. Work is still one of those things that is hard for me to think about, but I had to start talking to people and make some tentative plans. Thankful that the Lord cares about all the details of my life. I continue to be blessed by the care of those I work with, not only is my manager showing me much grace but I continue to get kind words and encouragement from coworkers through emails and phone calls. An old hymn comes to mind....Count Your Blessings

"Count your blessings, name them one by one
 Count your blessings, see what God has done
 Count your blessings, name them one by one
 And it will surprise you, what the Lord has done"

I want to be very aware of the blessings that God has given us, what we have to be thankful for despite the cancer diagnosis. There have been hard things we have had to go through these last couple of months, but the Lord has provided for us so well, he has put people in our lives that have helped lighten the burden, events he has orchestrated.  When I get discouraged my prayer is that I will focus on the many blessings that God has given us and that I will have a heart of gratitude.

Gift of Time

Improvement seen this weekend, things feeling a little more "normal". Pain as been more manageable and was able to get out a few times the past couple of days. Realizing I do have a window of opportunity for any "outings", two hours seems to be the maximum, then my "anchor" drops and I am done. This was quite apparent when I went to the grocery store on Saturday with my husband, we were just about finished when the fatigue set in and all I was doing was going thru the motions as he finished the shopping. We spent the rest of the day chillin and then I was fine.  We were also able to go to church on Sunday, which was nice because I had missed three Sundays and although you can get fed on your own there is just something about being with other believers praising God. We finished the day with a quick trip later in the afternoon to Botanical Gardens for some picture taking and a short walk. The day was sunny and cool but also beautiful and I loved the opportunity to be outside in the gardens. With feeling better comes the desire to do to more and more. This is a good thing, but for me it is also a time of caution because my tendency has always been to try to do more than I should. The Lord did quicken to my heart that my limitations are really a blessing and they have given me the gift of time. My life is usually pretty busy (not sure why because children are grown but...) There is work and errands and stuff that is just clamoring for my attention. This has given me a new view of all the stuff that took up my time and perhaps some changes need to be made, that will be part of this journey I am sure, but for now I just want to be thankful. Thankful that I am feeling better, thankful for this time, looking for ways that I can be used in my limitations. Husband has given me several suggestions, stuff I never seemed to have time for when I was working. We give extended family photo type gifts for Christmas, he wants me to work on that, calls that need to be made, checkbook to balance etc. Then there are the pleasures of just reading a good book or looking through gardening magazines and seed catalogs planning next years garden. I also have this great camera husband gave me as an anniversary gift that I am not using to it's full potential because I never had the time to really learn all the functions. I have that time now. Limitations are going to give me time, time to do things that need to be done. I want to see this as God's care for me,  providing for me, I want to see this as a blessing not a curse. A time to be used for good, a time to rethink things. A time to seek him, hear from him now that the busyness of my life has been quieted. A time to "bloom where I have been planted"

"Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance"  Psalm 16:5-6

Marking Time

Another week almost done, three weeks since surgery. Last couple of days have been difficult, pain has been a major issue. Found my self having to take more and more Advil without much relief. Weather had been wet and cool, not sure if that had anything to do with it or if it was just because of the last "fill". I did see my family doctor yesterday and she was concerned about the amount of Advil I was taking in a 24 hour period. Her concern not just GI bleeding but possible bleeding during a "fill", gees never thought of that, definitely want to avoid that! The Doctor gave me some neurontin (supposed to help with nerve pain) told me to take it at night. I am encouraged, first of all I slept all night, didn't wake up until 6:30, which is pretty good for me, the best part is I have been able to cut the amount of Advil I have been taking in half. I still have pain but it seems to be much more manageable. The other thing that had been bothering me was I had lost some range of motion with the pain. Now that the pain is controlled better, I have been able to resume the exercises I was doing to stretch out my muscles. Still numbness, swelling  under left arm but no worse than it has been. 

Celebrating feeling better, by putting "real" clothes on, you know pants with a button and  zipper, of course since I didn't even get dressed until after noon, not sure it really counts. When I was working I would wonder what it would be like to be home. I would think of all the things I could do, work in the garden, whip up new recipes, take classes, putter around in the house. OK, so I am home and of course I can't do any of this stuff yet. I could focus on what I can't do but that would be unproductive. I can do allot though, I am able to focus enough to read again. I have a stack of books that I have never had enough time to read, I have time now. My lack of schedule has given me the opportunity to connect with friends,haven't always had the time to do that, I have time to listen to my IPod, lots of teachings/sermons are loaded on it, lots of opportunity to feed my spirit. I may not be where I would like to be right now, not doing all that I would want to do, but I know I am where God would have me. Can there be a better place to be?

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect" Psalm 18:30-32

Contentment

Rainy day today, a day conducive to laying around and napping. Not one of my better days physically. I had my second "fill" yesterday. The plastic surgeon put in 50cc saline into each of the expander's. That makes a total of 300cc with 150cc left to go. I have another "fill" next week then they are going to give me a two week break. I ache for days afterward but the plastic surgeon promises it will get better. I also got a call from the lab that does the Oncotype DX test they informed me they had received the specimen, asked about my insurance, advised me of the copay and said it would be 14 calendar days before they got results to the physician. Realizing I still have my timetable and agenda and none of this is falling into my plans. I had thought by now I would be feeling much better than I am, I figured I would probably be able to go back to work by the end of November and that I would know whether or not I would be needing chemo by Monday. Lord's gentle reminder to me, that I am not in control and that my contentment cannot come from my circumstances. (you'd think I would get this already but I seem to be a slow learner) I just "happened" to listen to a teaching on contentment yesterday from Charles Stanley and he described contentment like this;

"Freedom from worry and frustration about unfulfilled desires in my life"

So how do I get contentment, how do I keep contentment. These are the steps he suggests:

1. God I am going to accept this circumstance as coming from you - when I make this decision I don't feel helpless, hopeless. I feel like a child of God cared for by Him
2. Submit to God as seeing this circumstance coming from Him - God is working in my life, it's His plan, I know He has my best interests at heart that's why I submit to Him
3. Trusting God that he knows what's best for me
4. Learn to draw from Him instantly

Taken from October 1, 2010  "Contentment in All Circumstances"  In Touch Ministries

Charles Stanley says's, "contentment is something you learn to experience, it is not something you are given." I can attest to that. It has been hard for me, and I am not there yet, but I do want to be content. I do want to be satisfied in where He has me. Can I be content, laying down my desires, my plans, it will be a process and it is going to require trusting that He knows what's best for me better than I do. Let the journey continue!

Oncologist

Long awaited oncologist appointment today, oncotype results were supposed to be back by today but that did not happen. Apparently this test is only done in one lab in the country, all samples are sent there. The doctor called to see when the results would be ready and was not going to be before Wednesday at least, so we wait. The appointment was not a waste though. Oncologist very much into educating his patients and I felt like I learned a lot. We went over the pathology report, he explained that my tumor was just over a cm, estrogen/progesterone positive. I will be getting some type of anti-estrogen drugs to treat it. He explained a little about the oncotype test, what the scores meant. If below 10 he will not recommend chemotherapy, if above 30 I will have chemotherapy. His guess is my number will probably be between 16-20,

which would be considered a "gray area". When we asked him what treatment do you recommend when it's in the "gray area" he said that he helps educate us so we can make the best decision on what to do...hmm.  Also said there was a clinical trial available that we might be interested in,but this is to think about for later, don't even know where I stand yet. I thought I would be upset about not knowing the results but actually, I'm OK with it, gives me some time to do some research, there is no hurry, they are not going to do anything until I heal from surgery anyway. One thing he was able to do was to give me some information on the difficulty I am having with my left arm. He did not feel like it was lymphadema because it was so localized to the axilla and upper arm. He showed me where lymphadema would start, what the symptoms were that I should watch for and what they do when they have someone who develops it. He measured my arm, edema localized to upper arm, felt it was trauma from the surgery and that it would get better in time. Also told me some things I can do to help the pain. That he took my concern seriously and took time to check the arm out and explain everything to me, gave me great peace of mind. I still have two more doctors appointments this week. When I was a visiting nurse my patients would always complain about all the doctors appointments they had, I can now understand the inconvenience of it all. Tomorrow I see the plastic surgeon, will probably put more saline in the expander's. This is a pain, literally, helps stretch out my chest muscles, so at some point I can have implants put in. The pain I have with the expander's is an everyday reminder of my weakness, my limitations. I need that reminder, because too often in the past I relied on my physical strength, my health, my abilities. I now realize how fragile that can be. I believe the Lord would have us do what we can to take care of ourselves but it is His strength we must rely on.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"

So that would be my prayer, that I can find delight in my weakness, that I remember that this is for a season and for God's purposes

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory"