Busy June Days

June has been busy for us, we started out the month celebrating our 38th wedding anniversary, the years just keep rolling by, I am always amazed at how quickly time passes. Thankful to be celebrating another year, I realize how precious each day is. We celebrated quietly with dinner at our favorite ocean side restaurant. "Andrea" was in town that weekend but the rains held off long enough for us to dine at one of their outside tables

This was the view from our table, still stormy out there but we were under cover

After our anniversary we celebrated Sweet Lady's birthday. We took her out for lunch then we had cookout and a birthday celebration at our house with my son and his family for dinner. She has done so well since she has been down here...has become more like the person I remember from years ago.  We decided to have her eyes checked out and found she had needed glasses and not just for close up but for distance as well. I wish I had my camera with me when they put the glasses on for the first time. She had a such a startled expression on her face, like she was seeing things she hadn't seen before....I asked her if she could see any better and in classic Sweet Lady style she replied "yes, you look a whole lot better Maryann" All the way home she was reading signs along the road...what a shame it took us this long to figure out her vision was a problem. She has settled into her home quite well and has made friends with many of the residents, a concern we had. The other day after we had come home from the dentist she made a point of having me stop and wait while she went to tell the ladies she dines with that she wouldn't be at dinner because her mouth was numb...that may seem like a minor thing but, to me it meant that she had connected with others...it was huge.

We have another birthday coming up of a certain little redhead...remember this photo...well she is going to be two

June was also the month for my routine followup with my oncologist, all is well but, he wants me to begin taking Tamoxifen...drug holiday of a year is over. Going back on one of these "anti-estrogen"drugs has been a topic of discussion for several months now with my PCP and husband...benefits versus side effects. Benefits...they are supposed to decrease the risk of recurrence, but there are side effects too.(and I had bad effects from the last one he put me on hence the drug holiday) I had decided that  I was not going back on anything...I was just going to be more mindful of diet and exercise and trust the Lord with the rest....husband was fine with that. Unfortunately that was not how the story ended...oncologist did not want me refusing the drug without at least trying it. We had a discussion, compared statistics, then came to a compromise, I would try it but if I had side effects that I was not able to tolerate I would not have to continue with it...I felt it was a fair compromise so I agreed. That was two weeks ago, the Tamoxifen is still sitting on a shelf in the kitchen unopened...praying for peace.

My actions are being directed by my fear...fear of side effects...how crazy is that? If ever there was a day for Proverbs 3: 5-6 today would be that day

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"

Letting The Dust Settle

I think my body is still trying to figure out where it wants to settle, still adjusting from the many med changes in recent weeks. No new changes today, I think my physician wants the dust to settle a bit, it can take weeks for your body to adjust to being off a Beta Blocker. My blood pressure is holding its own...not stellar,  but not bad. I have instructions on what to do if if gets high, so I am not left to my own devices. I think it is a good plan...and my physician is just a phone call away if needed

All this has disrupted any household routine, and I am trying to be okay with this, but the truth is I am not. I want my body to hurry up and figure out what it wants to do....settle already....I have things to do. Truly my times are in his hands...and I know he has a purpose and a plan...it's a truth I hold tight to

When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place.  Psalm 118:5

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me  Psalm 18:19

When I think of a spacious place I think hillside, meadow, pasture, rest, freedom. Perhaps for me this time of "settling" is a time of freedom from routine, a time to lie down in that spacious place and rest in him. Perhaps he will let me do both....have the ability to do the things I need to do and to let go of the things I don't and using that opportunity instead to rest in him. Praying for wisdom that I would know the difference between the need to be done...and can wait.

The Train Is Back At The Station

Concentration and the ability to put thoughts together on the computer has been a challenge for me the last week, in fact there have been days when I have felt like I was on a runaway train AND to make matters worse anyone who had the pleasure of interacting with me during this time probably felt like they were on that train with me....all because of an unexpected response to a new medication which necessitated changes in ones I had been on previously.

There had been a plan.... which had to be changed, then revised, then revised again, all within a week's time. My body did not respond well to all those changes, as I said before, I felt like I was on a runaway train...think major anxiety attack....and everything that goes along with that

The good news is that the train is back at the station, I am beginning to feel somewhat "normal" again, there has been valuable information obtained because of how I  responded to that new med and it looks like I will be able to stop one of the medications I have been taking for years that has so many bad side effects associated with it. We are not there yet but I am encouraged,  I have another appointment next week.

Not one of my best weeks but there is something that I realized. When I was in the midst of all the physical stuff that was going on I had a terrible time trying to read scripture...I couldn't concentrate... even listening to scripture or teachings overloaded my senses...I couldn't do it. Scripture is where I get my comfort, it helps remind me of truth....thankfully the Lord was faithful in bringing to mind scripture I had memorized in the past, not much mind you but a couple of key verses...it was what got me through a difficult night.

I have never been good at committing scripture to memory, I know where to find verses in the bible but honestly when I was feeling my worst that wasn't real helpful...NOTE TO SELF....there is value in memorizing scripture....in times of crisis it's what you've stored away that you will have access to


.

The Quest For Peace

This is a scripture that  spoke to my heart today as I struggle to gain peace concerning an issue I am dealing with

"Cursed is the one the who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord. That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the dessert, in a salt land where no one lives"

                                             BUT WAIT THERE IS GOOD NEWS

"But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out it's roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit " Jeremiah 17:6-7

The issue I am dealing with... getting control of my blood pressure...hate it don't like it when it needs to be reregulated. This is week three with four changes in medications thus far (I am on three different meds for my B/P, who would have guessed...right?) Changes have resulted because of side effects, harshness of drug or ineffectiveness of drug....MD still trying to find that perfect combination. I AM blessed with a  physician who has been patient and is available, but when I start feeling bad, and these drugs can make you feel bad, I start to lose peace, and fear starts knocking at my door begging to come in. I have to make a decision, sometimes several times a day, whether I am going to open the door and entertain that fear, that so wants to come in, or am going to ignore that constant knocking. Unfortunately fear has been a frequent "guest"....I'd say I need to get a dead bolt for the door but I'm the one who keeps opening it

So how did this scripture speak to me today...... it helped remind me that my ULTIMATE confidence is in the Lord, my ULTIMATE trust needs to be in him. It's fantastic that I have a good doctor but it is the  Lord who is ultimately in control..it is Him who I need to trust...it should be easy....right? (it's not)

Surely God  who "determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name" Psalm 147:4 has a handle on my situation....I know this...I do.  I should probably follow the advice I often give to a sweet friend of mine...."you need to just trust him...he's got this." Lord help me remember "you've got this"

My Plan

My plan for this year, among other things, was to resume a somewhat "normal" life, one that did not involve what sometimes feel like endless doctors appointments. I had a routine followup with my family doctor the beginning of the month and it was quickly apparent that she DIDN'T get the memo about MY plan. As I had mentioned earlier she was insistent that I get a previously scheduled MRI done AND she had another specialist she wanted me to see. They got me in the next day....good sign..but it was in his office that I had my mini meltdown, I had my ideas on what was wrong he had his...I left the office in tears.

That was almost three weeks ago, since then, the specialist in who's office I had the meltdown has left the practice, I was informed of this a week after I had seen him. I was assigned a new physician and will be seeing him in February. My first reaction was...you've got to be kidding, why was he taking new patients if he knew he was leaving but, then I remembered my first visit with him and decided to see it as a grace moment.

About three days after THAT call, I received a package in the mail from yet ANOTHER specialist with paperwork I needed to fill out prior to my appointment. (in case you have lost count this is two new docs I will be seeing) This also arranged by my PCP,  I have to admit at this point it was getting comical....I get it, I get it, apparently MY plan was not God's plan for me right now. I would prefer the open highway, smooth sailing, no traffic. He instead has me taking the scenic route, the back roads, the slower speeds.

Earlier this month I was pretty upset, I wasn't getting my way, but as things continue to unfold, it's obvious that God is in this. This was not my plan, not even close, but I can have peace that it is His. Time to fasten my seat belt and take in the sights he wants me to see.

When It's Not Easy

Now that all the Christmas stuff is put up, the holiday feels like it is officially over. I am ready to get back to some sort of normal routine

I have noticed many of my favorite blogs are sporting new looks this year. Way to go guys, I have really enjoyed looking at all the new things you have done. I considered making some changes myself, but after looking through photos and different templates I decided to stick with what I have. Think of that old comfortable couch that you know you need to replace but you just can't bring yourself to let it go, that's how I am with this blog design but then change in general is hard for me, so should that surprise you?

The next couple of weeks are going to be busy, I have some annual appointments that I have been postponing since last summer and a routine MRI that I tried to talk my way out of... but was told in a very kind and compassionate manner..."just do it" The last couple of weeks have been a struggle with all things medical and it all boils down to this...things aren't going the way I want them to go...lots of bumps in the road...nothing major wrong physically, just lots of little things ... it has been a heart revealer. I still  want what I want, I want things to be comfortable and I want them to be easy. I would like people to respond the way I think they should respond....basically, I would like it my way please.

We all know that our way is not necessarily going to be God's way of doing things. After I had my mini melt down...right in the physicians office mind you... and spent the next day feeling sorry for myself, I remembered that fact. We know that right, that our ways are not always his ways, and we know that God is faithful, does all things well and uses all things for his purposes but when things don't go as planned it's a hard application. I will continue to trust Him though because I know these things to be true...just wish sometimes things could be easy....but that's not this life right?

Drug Holiday Continues

I have been on a "drug holiday" from my Arimidex for the last couple of months. The purpose was to see if they could get me healthier. The good news is I have had a lot of improvement off this drug, the bad news is that they want me to go back on something else but are going to extend the "holiday" a couple of more months. The purpose for the extension...he wants to give me a chance to continue to get healthier and he wants me to get moving....that would be to start exercising.

Now like I said this is a temporary thing, we will be discussing drug alternatives when I see him again in September. In the meantime he wants me to start drinking pomegranate juice on a daily basis. Apparently studies have shown that it works as a very mild aromatase inhibitor. Aromatase inhibitors help block the production of estrogen....estrogen fed my tumor. Arimidex is just one of  the several aromatase inhibitors out there that are prescribed for women who have estrogen positive breast cancer. He made it quite clear that drinking pomegranate juice could not replace taking one of the aromatase inhibitors but it was something I could do until he was able to get me back on another drug that I could tolerate better. When I asked him if I really needed to go back on something the answer was yes...I was too young and the risk of the cancer reoccurring in the long term would be too great without continued treatment

The down side of drinking this stuff, is it's high in calorie and I think it's on the expensive side. I was told you can find it cheaper in places like Costco but have not made the trek yet....it also has a taste that takes some getting used to, not bad just "surprising" I can only drink it cold

Now to the other part of the recommendation...the get moving part. I have pretty much been a couch potato for the last couple of years. Since surgery....almost two years ago,  I have been able to resume walking and do some light gardening (no more digging or heavy lifting at this point) but as far a going to the gym, bike riding or long distance walking....that has not been happening. Following surgery I had one medical problem after another and a hip that just wouldn't tolerate much exercise. I have never been able to get to the point that I was presurgery. The good news is things are much better, including that pesky hip...so hopefully I'll be riding one of these again real soon. I have this little excursion planned for August, there will be some walking involved....perhaps that will be my motivation to get moving

**Please note I am not a physician, never make any changes in any type of your treatment without consulting YOUR  physician first, this would include adding things like pomegranate juice to your diet...every situation is different**

On Holiday

When we lived overseas the locals would say they were going on "holiday" when they went on vacation.

I am on a holiday of sorts...mine started last week. Now before you start thinking warm sunny beaches or mountain getaway, let me quickly set the record straight, my holiday has been provided by my physician and no she has not sent me anywhere, I am on a drug holiday....specifically from the drug that helps prevent my cancer from reoccurring. Although the jury is still out on this one...the side effects may be outweighing the benefits

I thought health issues were beginning to settle down, but my blood pressure continues to be a problem, either it's too high or I start to have side effects from the meds that are being used to control it.  (they have tried several combinations)  There has been a meeting of the minds...my PCP and my oncologist...and it has been agreed that I can stop the cancer preventive drug for now to see if blood pressure improves. I am not totally off the hook, there is already discussion about a different med that they want me to take
The adventure continues, I won't lie...fear and frustration creep in pretty easily...this is not going according to MY plan, Oh how tightly I cling to the idol of "my way" Sanctification...it's a life long thing


Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus  Philippians 1:6

Mail Call

Going to make this short and sweet, we received an early gift this morning, the mail contained a letter from my gastroenterologist, and after a couple of months of testing, we have been informed that my most recent MRI has shown no evidences of malignancy (with one exception this has been his preferred method of informing us of test results) He is done for now. I still have a couple more appointments this week, but anticipate all will be routine, then Lord willing, a break from appointments for awhile, it almost does not seem real, but it is! Thank you Lord!

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, he is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust  Psalm 91:1-2

Thank you to all the prayer warriors and encourager's, you are appreciated!

Tunnel Vision

I was having a discussion with a sweet friend the other day, catching up on everything that was going on in our lives. We see each other regularly but don't often get into the "weeds" I was talking to her about my weariness of ongoing medical issues, we keep waiting for this storm to end, but the rain bands keep coming ashore. From my perspective this was all about me, this storm was someting God was using in my life to change me, show me things, teach me. Obviously I wasn't getting it, right?

She wanted me to see the bigger picture. Her thoughts....others are watching, they are watching my response to the storm, they are watching to see where I put my trust, where I get my strength, how do I let this effect my day to day. They are watching. I also have some opportunities I would not have had, people who would not necessarily cross my path had I not had cancer. Opportunities to let the light of God shine. Perhaps, just perhaps this isn't about me anymore but the people that God has put in my path. Just a thought 

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven  Matthew 5:16

I Keep On Dancing

When the sun is shining all the time and you never get rain, the land dries up, and it eventually turns into a desert. I remember our summer this year, lots of sunshine, very little rain, consequently my garden did not produce much, the earth was hard and dry. When you have a lot of rain, you have growth. We lived in Scotland for a couple of years, it rained all the time but it was green and lush all year round.

This can be compared to our lives, when the sun is shining all the time (life is good) we don't always grow...OK I am speaking of myself here, but when it's raining (when life is hard) I tend  to press in more, seek God more, Allstair Begg used this analogy on his podcast the other day and it really stuck with me. Reminder that its the times when things aren't going as planned that result in the most growth.

So it's raining just a little here, I have not been given the "all clear" yet, tests and appointments are continuing, we are in a sense, in God's "waiting room" but it's not time wasted, that I can assure you

Life continues, responsibilities don't change. I  have times when fear tries to creep in, but mostly God is giving me peace and much grace. He continues to use this time to show me things about myself, there will be more about that later, for now just know all is well with my soul

        "life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain'"
                                                      author unknown

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; greeat is your faithfulness     Lamentations 3:22-23

His Plan

September is doctor month for me. I am still on an every three month schedule for my surgeon and oncologist. When the time rolls around for the appointments to happen we go through a little bit of anxiety in our house, is it because we don't trust God with our lives's? I do trust him, but with some things it's harder.  I know each one of you can relate to this on some level. We all have things in our life that are harder to trust God with than others.

So my two appointments are behind me, but I m not done yet. I have to have a repeat MRI, nothing new has been found, this was something they had recommended last June, I just didn't know about it, and it sounds like something I will be having done on a regular basis. Ironic because this was exactly what I was trying to avoid when I made treatment decisions last fall.

So meaning no disrespect, but the Lord and I have been having this conversation the last couple of days. I was down right honest about my fustration, dissappointment. What he has been speaking to me is this...You had your plan but this is the path I want you to walk. You still want control of this situation but I want you to trust in me.

So that's my life right now, oh and least I forget to mention they also want me to see an endocrinlogist and a gastroenterolgist sometime in the near future.

Like I said earlier we all have things in our live's that we find it harder to trust God with, mine just happens to be health issues. This blog won't dwell on what is going on with me physically, there is too much life happening that's far more interesting, but when he shows me something about myself as I walk this path I'll open the curtains to let you take a peek.

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord  Psalm 112:7

Life Lessons

I had an unfortunate encounter with a wasp the other day and he won. Started out innocently enough, I was bringing the dog in and on my way back to the house I spotted one of my mandevilla shooting out a tendril that was starting to wrap around a baluster on my deck. I was untangling the plant when, OUCH, it felt like I had been shocked. I quickly realized it was a wasp, he had been hiding under the hand rail. He did his deed then flew away.

Couldn't remember what you were supposed to do, husband checked WebMD, treatment for wasps and hornets. The advice was to dab the area with an acid based solution, like vinegar or lemon juice. Next apply ice or cold compress. I had a little swelling the next day, but not too bad, so I figured I was good. When I woke up yesterday morning my hand was beginning to look a little like the gloved hand of Mickey Mouse. (not good)

Decided to make a quick run to the doctor, this is the arm that had an axillary node removed, were we looking at the start of lymphadema or local reaction to the toxin of wasp sting? Doctor wasn't sure why the delayed swelling but gave me a script for steroids and instructions to ice, elevate and try some benadryl,  if not better in the morning start taking the steroids.

Good news, the hand is better, I can once again see the tendons (and I didn't have to start the steroids)

The thing that I was considering tonight was during all of this, we went to the web for advice, went to the doctor to have it checked out, all good things, but never went to the Lord. Never prayed for wisdom, for care or healing. Do we have to wait for things to be desperate before we start praying? Shouldn't praying be as natural as breathing. Shouldn't that have been my first response.

He continues to be faithful even when I am not, avaliable even when I am distracted. 

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness  Lamentations 3:22-23

Thankful

We now have "official" results from the bone scan done almost two weeks ago and it is clear! Ironically it is almost a year ago to the day that I had the mammogram that was abnormal. Sense of relief yes, and another new appreciation on how quickly life can change.

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom"  Psalm 90:12

Oh, and the abnormal MRI (the reason I had to have the bone scan ) They can now say it is some type of degenerative change going on in my spine. I guess because I have a history of breast cancer, they had to rule out metastasis first.

Thanks to all who have been praying, it just blesses my heart.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever"  Psalm 107:1

I Think We Might Be There

I feel like I am returning from a faraway place...like I've been gone for awhile...but life is beginning to look a little familiar again...routines starting to fall in place.

Work went well this week, I will probably resume my normal hours next week, gonna miss that afternoon nap. The weather has been nice, I was able to get outside and do a little gardening (I transplanted seedlings into bigger pots, does that count as gardening?)

Appointments took the better part of my day yesterday. First was the plastic surgeon...this was the appointment I had been waiting for...I am now able to do what ever I want, no more restrictions (first thing I did when I went home was pull some weeds in the garden, it felt wonderful) There will be continued followups...forever?..if so just add him to the list. Compassionate guy, on my first followup appointment after my mastectomy he called the lab to find out if my pathology report was in, had it faxed, then gave me a copy. (I didn't expect to find out anything till I saw the surgeon the following week)

Ended my day at the eye doctor...been three months since corneal ulcer healed. "Readers" no longer an option, I need something for distance as well...I am just "legal" to drive. Had me trial contacts last week...very nervous (contacts caused the ulcer) but I did well...think I am going to give them another try...they have to come out every night and I have a pretty cool cleaning contraption. Wearing them makes me feel like myself again...I had no idea it would make that much of a difference in how I felt.


Cool little cleaning device for contacts

My tendency is to try to rush back into life but I feel like the Lord is telling me to slow down...not so fast...look to me...I will guide you. I am praying for wisdom and continued contentment...I know he is directing my path.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you"

Psalm 32:8

Easing Back into Life

I am beginning to realize things are going to be a little slow for a awhile. I had this idea on how things should progress, you set a goal with a time frame, work towards that goal and voila...everything back to normal. Thought I was being realistic, six weeks following surgery, that should do it...right? I am at week five and am no where near where I thought I would be. I am learning to let go...it's a process, one of the hardest things I have had to learn through this whole thing is to let others do for me. Much easier to be on the giving end instead of the receiving end...very humbling.

I continue to have people helping me...a sweet friend  came over and weeded my garden the other day, simple thing but such a blessing. I continue to have a friend who is doing my laundry and we have only recently finished all the meals the ladies had prepared for us after my surgery.(When food was brought over, there was always more than enough, we would put a portion in the freezer for later use.) God is so kind in putting these precious people in our lives. I am so very thankful.

Progress is slow but it is progress. I continue to increase my household activities and errands and God is giving me wisdom as I go through my day. When the anchor goes down, I stop no matter what my plans might have been. Contentment, it's a struggle sometimes...my life looks a lot different than it did eight months ago.(that's not necessarily a bad thing) There are days when I wish I had more energy...trying to remember this is just a season...this too shall pass...praying for contentment.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul"  Psalm 143:8

Gonna Need to Have a Redo

Monday was my first day back to work since being out for surgery. I really did not anticipate how difficult it would be. Mistakes made on many levels, first of all it was "month end." That's the time period, where all charts have to be completed/processed for billing. Pressure is on, it's crunch time, everyone scrambling, working at high intensity... and this is the day I decided to go back to work after after being off for a month...what was I thinking!

Second mistake... why did I decide to go back to work the Monday after we had been out of town for the weekend? We had gotten back early Sunday afternoon, but I was tired, I probably could have used an extra day to rest up. Had also been a very emotional weekend...we won't even go there right now.

The morning started off well, I work with a group of wonderful people, but after we said our hello's, I started getting ALL my work back...wait...I'm only here a couple hours...I can't pick up where I left off...not yet. When they saw the look in my eyes everyone was quick to back off...but it was too late I was overwhelmed and near tears.

My boss stopped by about an hour later to chat and see how I was doing...told her I was OK, but feeling a little overwhelmed...emotions betrayed me again...She then asked me if I thought about working from home the rest of the week. I told her I would think about it and let her know...why did I have to think about it? I knew this was too much for me right now...but we want approval from others, don't want to appear weak...(that would be me)

I didn't want to work from home before I was ready to come back, but it seems to be the perfect way to ease back into things. I have been able catch up on passed due web based training, look through my active charts and actually started getting work done again. Working at home has given me the opportunity to get my feet wet before I actually jump into the water.

So Monday was a dry run...tried to land...got "waved off" will circle back and make another attempt next week.

So How's It Going?

Feeling better with each day, soreness continues to some extent, but considering I still have some traces of bruising on my chest, I guess it's not unusual. Blood pressure started creeping up again, not scary high, just "what the heck is going on" high. Husband and I were thinking it might be diet related, after all, Gatorade is my new favorite drink....were the salts causing my blood pressure to go up?....was I going to have to go back to the doctor, yet again, and have my medications readjusted?  After about the second day of watching it go up, it occurred to me to check to see if my catapress patch was still on (one of the medications I take for my blood pressure).... it was gone. Don't know when it fell off or where it went but it was obvious it had been gone a few days (I put a new one on weekly) The last time I changed it I had applied the patch to the back of my arm so I would not have to look at it all the time....mistake! I immediately put another one on, this time in a place I could see and I put the big ugly white adhesive patch over that, to ensure no more slippage. Checked my blood pressure  few hours later, and what do you know, it was perfect.

I have been able to meet most of the goals I set last week. I am getting dressed before noon, and today I was able to go from getting a shower to getting dressed without a 30 minute respite in between... we are talking progress here. The daily walks have been hit or miss, weather has not been that cooperative. The little preview of spring we got a couple of weeks ago has retreated and it's now back to 40 degree temps with quite a bit of rain and gloom mixed in.

I have been getting out a little each day, running errands, gradually building up endurance. Plan for today is to pick up my "Fit for Duty" papers from surgeon and then head over to Occupational Health  to get cleared for work, it's rainy and dreary but I would like to get this item off my plate. Though  my activities are increasing, I still feel the need for a nap or "chillin session" most afternoons. I am praying daily for wisdom and enlisting the prayers of others, regarding the choices I make during this recovery period, tendency is still to do too much too soon.

"if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him"  James 1:5

The plan is to return to work on the 4th, I am a little apprehensive, there will be added pressures, and I am concerned about the fatigue. (both physically and mentally) I am planning to ease back into the routine.....going in for just a couple of hours a day, for the first week...then will re-evaluate and see if I need to continue part days for another week....again praying for wisdom....and contentment.

I have been in a cocoon of sorts since my surgery.... I haven't really had to be engaged with the "real world"...it's hard to take that step back into reality again.(especially the reality of the working world)

We have plans for the weekend, one of the reasons I have been trying to walk each day and build up my endurance.... and you thought it was just for work....we shall see how it goes...again the Lord reminding me to hold my plans loosely.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you"
Psalm 32:3

Lovely Catapress patch

Spring

It's official.....today is the first day of Spring. Feeling better than I have in days. Decided to hang out at the house instead of going to church with husband. Energy level is still pretty low, not worth pushing it. I am at the point where I am content with where God has me right now, it is not one of running and doing but of resting and listening. IPod and bible in hand, I made good use of my morning.

Still receiving quite a bit of help from ladies in my church, and that can be hard at times, but a friend reminded me today that we all have different "giftings" Some people have the "gift" of "helps", those with this "gift" find joy in lightening the burdens and meeting the needs of others. What does this look like in my life? Meals being brought over, laundry being done. A call to see how I am doing, then stopping at the store to pick up some saltines when I was too sick to keep anything down and  driving me to appointments. I would much rather be the one helping instead of receiving, my natural response is to resist any more help....I am fine.... really!(of course still have lifting restrictions, can't drive and even showering can be a major event, that requires a nap) she reminded me that by resisting help I am not allowing people to use their gifts,  (thanks friend, I needed that reminder). More letting go....this is a season, I do not believe it will last forever, and there has been so much gained.

Be Still my Soul

I had my preop visit with my plastic surgeon today and things are beginning to fall in place. Told me what to expect, preop instructions given, consents signed and anxiety level going up. I was told this surgery will be much easier than the last, no drains this time...that was the best news. They had not received any of the paperwork or lab results from my PCP, they called her office while I was there hoping they would fax everything before I left but it didn't happen. Told me they would call me when they got the paperwork and lab results. Thinking since I have not heard from my PCP that I won't need the iron transfusion. The other minor glitch was blood pressure up again, not as bad as before, but still high, hoping it's "white coat syndrome" doctor made mention of it and asked if I was working on getting it down, not sure what I was supposed to do but I said yes I was working on it. I suppose I will start taking my blood pressure daily again, I was doing it for awhile then just didn't think about doing it anymore because it had been doing fine...oh well. Thankful to all the friends who having been encouraging me along the way, speaking truth of God's word, reminding me of his promises. I am amazed at how I will get a text or a phone call at just the right moment. Knowing someone is praying for you....such a blessing. It is going to be a battle the next couple of weeks, fear and anxiety the enemies. You would think by now this would no longer be a problem, I have seen God at work, he has been so faithful, yet I still struggle. I know he is with me, he is the shade at my right hand, my prayer is I will remember that.

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul"  Psalm 94:19