Where God Has Me

"Trust the boundary lines God has given us"

When our Pastor made this statement during the sermon yesterday, it made me stop and think. I made a big flashy star in my journal next to the statement and pondered it all day. 

What was it about that statement that resonated in my heart? Well just 20 minutes prior I had watched two little children run up to a friend of mine and hug her around the neck, obviously excited to see her. They were her grandchildren and I knew she spent time with them several times a week, I wanted that too.

Now I'm not saying it's wrong to want something, but I know in my own heart, there has been a lack of satisfaction in the situation the Lord has placed me in, the "boundary lines" he has provided for me.

By longing for what I do not have I am missing what I have been given. I continue to look back on the road I have traveled, longing for once was, instead looking forward to the journey he has me on today, and missing, in the process, the things he has for me now.

Praying that the Lord will help me embrace the "portion" he has for me today and the "boundary lines" he has given me.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup, you hold my lot. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, indeed I have a beautiful inheritance  Psalm 16:5-6

More Wintery Weather

It's been another snowy week in our neck of the woods. We had not one, but two more snow events within three days. I've gotten to the point where I find it all pretty amusing. I thought it was going to be an early spring, I had been making plans and anticipating clearing out the winter debris in my yard. In my mind I had moved on from winter and was getting ready for spring. The snow and icy temperatures have put a halt to all of that....we are surely still in winter.

What has amused me so much, is I can see application in my life that reflects what is happening with our weather. It's been a long "winter" and I'm ready for some "spring" Do you get what I'm saying? The thing is, it's winter....that's the reality of where I am. It's not a bad thing....there is a lot of beauty in winter. And  not all days are dreary and cold, some are full of sunshine and warm breezes that refresh my soul....so I really don't have anything to complain about...so why is it so hard for me to be content in "winter"? (because I like the sunshine and warm breezes...who doesn't?)

So this weeks lesson, for me, was to stop wishing away "winter" and find the beauty in it instead. A lesson that boils down to contentment and the reminder that God is always at work in all seasons.

We decided to take a little excursion to a local golf course, I loved the way the Cypress Trees looked with the partially frozen lake.

Winter Opportunities

I can hardly believe it is snowing again. The weatherman says it's going to end up being a rain event but I'm afraid the snow part is happening during rush hour, so husband will have to drive home in it.

This winter has been colder than I can remember in a long time and even though we haven't had as much snow as most, the cold weather has kept me a little homebound and a little restless. My first reaction has been to complain...I really don't like the cold and it's hard for me to "be still"  Complaining tends to be my default mechanism but the Lord has been convicting me about complaining AND that I don't always have to have something on my schedule outside the home to do.

I could should be thankful for these quieter days. I have time to read and listen to podcasts, time to finish some half done projects, time to try some new recipes, or just recharge physically. (I could even reorganize some closets although I must admit that's way down the list)

This is where the Lord has me, it's time for me to take the a hold of the "bloom where you are planted" quote and enjoy these quieter winter days

Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me  Psalm 119:133

Choosing Contentment

"Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God’s wise and fatherly disposal in every condition." -- Jeremiah Burroughs


I have been talking with some friends about contentment this week...you see I think contentment is a choice and it's one I am having a hard time choosing right about now. Finding myself looking back instead of ahead, focusing on my lack instead of blessings.

Need an attitude adjustment...I have many blessings in my life...thought it might be time to change my focus...time to start focusing on what I have to be thankful for... so I took a moment to list some things...and there is so much more...but here are just a few of the things I have to be thankful for and they are in no particular order

1. Family and friends who are always willing to help point me to the word of God when I need encouragement
2. Beautiful weather....spring has come early here, there is all kind of stuff blooming in my backyard
3.Season passes to the Gardens in our city...there is something always in bloom...azaleas should be beautiful this weekend
4. A husband who enjoys the Gardens as much as I do
5. Grandchildren who live close by...remember I said this list was in no particular order
6. Renewed relationships with extended family
7. Unexpected opportunity to see youngest son and friends last weekend...and Cherry Blossoms
8. We had funds to pay for car repairs...the cars were quite needy this month
9. Although not where I want to be physically...I am so much better than I was than a year ago...all a matter of perspective....need to be thankful for that

What I need to remember is, I am exactly where God wants me to be...I really am ..he has me right where he wants me to be... could there really be any place better than that? Lord, help me choose contentment, thankfulness instead of grumbling

O Lord you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold O Lord you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Psalm 139:1-6

Happy New Year

What goes through your mind at the start of a new year, do you make resolutions, or have an area of focus that you feel the Lord is leading you in?

As followers of Christ we don't need a new year to give us a new beginning, we can push the reset button at any time just by repenting, but lets be honest don't we all like the idea of a new year?

During this time of year, I get a little reflective about the past year and also wonder about the future, what will this year be like. Where has the Lord brought me this past year but more important what are areas of sin and struggle the Lord has shown me that still have a strong root in my heart. Areas that still need refinement.

Contentment....despite the circumstances that I may find myself in, is an area that I struggle with.This can apply to so many different areas of my life and is something I feel like the Lord continues to try to teach me.

 Holman Bible dictionary defines contentment as "an internal satisfaction which does not demand changes in external circumstances" Another definition I found for contentment was "ease of mind"

Satisfaction and ease of mind, that's what I want for this year.....it's going to be a process, hope you'll continue to join me on this journey

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  Philippians 3:2-3

Easing Back into Life

I am beginning to realize things are going to be a little slow for a awhile. I had this idea on how things should progress, you set a goal with a time frame, work towards that goal and voila...everything back to normal. Thought I was being realistic, six weeks following surgery, that should do it...right? I am at week five and am no where near where I thought I would be. I am learning to let go...it's a process, one of the hardest things I have had to learn through this whole thing is to let others do for me. Much easier to be on the giving end instead of the receiving end...very humbling.

I continue to have people helping me...a sweet friend  came over and weeded my garden the other day, simple thing but such a blessing. I continue to have a friend who is doing my laundry and we have only recently finished all the meals the ladies had prepared for us after my surgery.(When food was brought over, there was always more than enough, we would put a portion in the freezer for later use.) God is so kind in putting these precious people in our lives. I am so very thankful.

Progress is slow but it is progress. I continue to increase my household activities and errands and God is giving me wisdom as I go through my day. When the anchor goes down, I stop no matter what my plans might have been. Contentment, it's a struggle sometimes...my life looks a lot different than it did eight months ago.(that's not necessarily a bad thing) There are days when I wish I had more energy...trying to remember this is just a season...this too shall pass...praying for contentment.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul"  Psalm 143:8

So How's It Going?

Feeling better with each day, soreness continues to some extent, but considering I still have some traces of bruising on my chest, I guess it's not unusual. Blood pressure started creeping up again, not scary high, just "what the heck is going on" high. Husband and I were thinking it might be diet related, after all, Gatorade is my new favorite drink....were the salts causing my blood pressure to go up?....was I going to have to go back to the doctor, yet again, and have my medications readjusted?  After about the second day of watching it go up, it occurred to me to check to see if my catapress patch was still on (one of the medications I take for my blood pressure).... it was gone. Don't know when it fell off or where it went but it was obvious it had been gone a few days (I put a new one on weekly) The last time I changed it I had applied the patch to the back of my arm so I would not have to look at it all the time....mistake! I immediately put another one on, this time in a place I could see and I put the big ugly white adhesive patch over that, to ensure no more slippage. Checked my blood pressure  few hours later, and what do you know, it was perfect.

I have been able to meet most of the goals I set last week. I am getting dressed before noon, and today I was able to go from getting a shower to getting dressed without a 30 minute respite in between... we are talking progress here. The daily walks have been hit or miss, weather has not been that cooperative. The little preview of spring we got a couple of weeks ago has retreated and it's now back to 40 degree temps with quite a bit of rain and gloom mixed in.

I have been getting out a little each day, running errands, gradually building up endurance. Plan for today is to pick up my "Fit for Duty" papers from surgeon and then head over to Occupational Health  to get cleared for work, it's rainy and dreary but I would like to get this item off my plate. Though  my activities are increasing, I still feel the need for a nap or "chillin session" most afternoons. I am praying daily for wisdom and enlisting the prayers of others, regarding the choices I make during this recovery period, tendency is still to do too much too soon.

"if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him"  James 1:5

The plan is to return to work on the 4th, I am a little apprehensive, there will be added pressures, and I am concerned about the fatigue. (both physically and mentally) I am planning to ease back into the routine.....going in for just a couple of hours a day, for the first week...then will re-evaluate and see if I need to continue part days for another week....again praying for wisdom....and contentment.

I have been in a cocoon of sorts since my surgery.... I haven't really had to be engaged with the "real world"...it's hard to take that step back into reality again.(especially the reality of the working world)

We have plans for the weekend, one of the reasons I have been trying to walk each day and build up my endurance.... and you thought it was just for work....we shall see how it goes...again the Lord reminding me to hold my plans loosely.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you"
Psalm 32:3

Lovely Catapress patch

Trust

I am getting things ready for surgery next week. Yesterday was my last day of work for awhile and could not have been a busier week. Found out yesterday I was not eligible for FMLA this time because I did not work the required hours last year, had a little something to do with the fact that I was off seven weeks last fall.....no problem, my supervisor approved a non-FMLA medical leave of absence and I am done. No paperwork to file or followup on, really a blessing in disguise. The big question has been, so how long will you be out? I really did not have an answer. This has been my dilema for the past couple of weeks. I want to know how long this recovery is going to be. I asked my plastic surgeon last week and all he was able to tell me was, it won't be as bad of recovery as the mastectomy and you won't have drains. Well in my need to control my life this answer was not adequate, sorry, I wanted to know exactly, give me a time frame. My next step, the internet, I figured I would just "google" "recovery from exchange surgery" and see what would come up. This was a big mistake, I found everything from quick recoveries no problems, to horror stories, and of course, everything in between. Now I am not saying don't be informed but, I was "camping out" there and all it was doing was sowing seeds of anxiety. Then I listened to a podcast the other day, and to be honest I don't remember who was speaking, but the topic was on responding to "life events" and how our response to these events can depend on "what trough you are feeding from" The trough I had been feeding from the last several days was the internet, in an effort to know what to expect after surgery. My need to know the details wasn't helping me one bit, in fact I was worse than when I started. I felt the Lord just telling me to trust him, reminding me that he is in control, I am not, nor do I need to be. Can you imagine if we really knew all the details of everything ahead of us, I would probably be a basket case. No, we have a loving Father who gives us what we need when we need it, not going to give us more than we can bear and he is always by our side. Control and trust..you would think that I've been around this mountain enough times that they would no longer be issues but they are. I am still learning, the Lord still shaping and refining me, thankfully still changing me.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit"  Romans 15:13

Are we There Yet?

Last couple of days have been difficult...I have been very emotional...major meltdown that was triggered by having to glaze a cake....don't even ask!  Finding myself in tears frequently for seemingly no reason....all someone needs to do is to ask how I am! (checked on reservations for a vacation event yesterday and  ended up in tears.... get the picture?) I see my plastic surgeon tomorrow and am anxious for my appointment, I continue to have pain from the expander's which seems to have gotten worse, not better, I really want to know what he has to say about the possible causes of the pain.  Blood pressure better but not sure I can continue with the medications the doctor had me try....experiencing some side effects...spent a couple hours at Urgent Care this morning before church because of symptoms I was having that felt like a urinary tract infection.....it was! Needless to say, feeling kind of crummy today. I know I have it better than many breast cancer patients do....I am not doing chemo...and I don't have to do radiation....and yet this still has been so hard. You know how kids are always asking "Are we there yet" when going on a long trip? I was just thinking, with some amusement, that today I feel like that kid in the back seat asking"Are we There Yet?"

Contentment

Rainy day today, a day conducive to laying around and napping. Not one of my better days physically. I had my second "fill" yesterday. The plastic surgeon put in 50cc saline into each of the expander's. That makes a total of 300cc with 150cc left to go. I have another "fill" next week then they are going to give me a two week break. I ache for days afterward but the plastic surgeon promises it will get better. I also got a call from the lab that does the Oncotype DX test they informed me they had received the specimen, asked about my insurance, advised me of the copay and said it would be 14 calendar days before they got results to the physician. Realizing I still have my timetable and agenda and none of this is falling into my plans. I had thought by now I would be feeling much better than I am, I figured I would probably be able to go back to work by the end of November and that I would know whether or not I would be needing chemo by Monday. Lord's gentle reminder to me, that I am not in control and that my contentment cannot come from my circumstances. (you'd think I would get this already but I seem to be a slow learner) I just "happened" to listen to a teaching on contentment yesterday from Charles Stanley and he described contentment like this;

"Freedom from worry and frustration about unfulfilled desires in my life"

So how do I get contentment, how do I keep contentment. These are the steps he suggests:

1. God I am going to accept this circumstance as coming from you - when I make this decision I don't feel helpless, hopeless. I feel like a child of God cared for by Him
2. Submit to God as seeing this circumstance coming from Him - God is working in my life, it's His plan, I know He has my best interests at heart that's why I submit to Him
3. Trusting God that he knows what's best for me
4. Learn to draw from Him instantly

Taken from October 1, 2010  "Contentment in All Circumstances"  In Touch Ministries

Charles Stanley says's, "contentment is something you learn to experience, it is not something you are given." I can attest to that. It has been hard for me, and I am not there yet, but I do want to be content. I do want to be satisfied in where He has me. Can I be content, laying down my desires, my plans, it will be a process and it is going to require trusting that He knows what's best for me better than I do. Let the journey continue!

Enjoying the Day

Beautiful fall day. The sun out, temperatures a little crisp. Perfect opportunity to get out a bit. My husband planted a raspberry bush that has been sitting in a pot for at least three months now, no worse for the wear I might add. It joined the one I already had planted this past spring along the fence. I was able to walk around the garden a bit, picked some tomatoes and jalapenos. Feels good just being able to get outside. Husband then cleared an area for me to plant some lettuce and spinach. He did all the work, I just directed and sprinkled the seeds. Once the weather gets cooler we will put a cold frame around it and hopefully will have greens through the winter. This was

something I was hoping to have but really did not expect it was going to happen, so very thankful to my husband for doing this for me. Endurance still is not great so, after all of this had to rest, lunch etc. I have to remember improvements are going to come in small steps, and  to be content with that. We took a little drive later in the day picked up a

prescription and walked around for a while taking

photo's. It was cool outside and I was tired so it was just

short trip. I am encouraged, though, and it was nice to go 

somewhere besides the doctor. So I have much to be thankful for today, the weather was beautiful, my stamina is increasing, I have a husband who was totally thinking of me when he planned his day, and I had the opportunity to take more photo's, something I enjoy doing. My prayer is I that I will continue to find things each day to be grateful for, that I will be content in my circumstances, whatever that might be, and that I will use the opportunities that the Lord has given me. I may be on the "shelf" for the time being but that doesn't mean I will not have opportunities to be used by God. How I'm used right now may just look a little different then it did before.

Going Solo

 

Today is my first day alone since surgery. I am feeling better so I am

OK with this. I know it was hard for my husband to go back to work. I am able to do what I need to do for myself. I can make a cup of coffee, have plenty to eat in the fridge thanks to the sweet ladies from our care group who have been providing meals for us this week. Because my range of motion is improving, I can shower and get dressed by myself. My wardrobe still consists of sweats and zip up hoodies. I have a little "nest" built around where I spend most of my day. Books, phones, remotes and IPod on one side and lap top on the other, in addition to pillows, throws etc. I can slide my lap top on and off as needed. I continue to have swelling and pain in my left arm but I think it may be improving. The plastic surgeon recommended massaging the areas that were swollen to help drain the lymph nodes, that along the exercises and elevating arm while at rest seem to have been helping. I have been trying to learn what I can to prevent problems with lymphadema. The surgeon told me that catching it early is key, once

it takes hold it is hard to "cure" it. So I will take the precautions I need to. It's a rainy day today, the perfect kind of day for just laying around, which is all I want to do. I did go into  the garden and took some photo's of my rose It's still flowering even though summer has long been over. I have lots of green tomatoes which will probably never ripen before frost hits, and the pansies. I am so glad we planted those pansies. I walk out my front door and it's like they are smiling at me with their blue and yellow faces. Even my inpatients have taken on a new life now that the heat of summer is over. With a little care we might be able to keep things going a few more weeks. Signs of fall are here as well, even though the temperatures don't feel like it. The leaves have started turning colors and the mornings are cooler. Even though not my favorite time of year, I want to appreciate the beauty and the little blessings each day brings. I came across a scripture yesterday that ministered to me and I felt described the season I am in right now. It's from Jeremiah 17

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him, He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its root by the stream. It does not wither when the heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit" Jer 17:7-8

Another scripture that goes along with this one would be found in Psalm 1

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yield it's fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."  Psalm 1:1-3

My "heat" is breast cancer, but because I trust in the Lord and put my confidence in Him, I am like that tree that sends out it's roots by the stream, I will not wither, my leaves will always be green and I will never fail to bear fruit. The key is to trust in Him, feed on his word and to put my confidence on his promises.