So How's It Going?

Feeling better with each day, soreness continues to some extent, but considering I still have some traces of bruising on my chest, I guess it's not unusual. Blood pressure started creeping up again, not scary high, just "what the heck is going on" high. Husband and I were thinking it might be diet related, after all, Gatorade is my new favorite drink....were the salts causing my blood pressure to go up?....was I going to have to go back to the doctor, yet again, and have my medications readjusted?  After about the second day of watching it go up, it occurred to me to check to see if my catapress patch was still on (one of the medications I take for my blood pressure).... it was gone. Don't know when it fell off or where it went but it was obvious it had been gone a few days (I put a new one on weekly) The last time I changed it I had applied the patch to the back of my arm so I would not have to look at it all the time....mistake! I immediately put another one on, this time in a place I could see and I put the big ugly white adhesive patch over that, to ensure no more slippage. Checked my blood pressure  few hours later, and what do you know, it was perfect.

I have been able to meet most of the goals I set last week. I am getting dressed before noon, and today I was able to go from getting a shower to getting dressed without a 30 minute respite in between... we are talking progress here. The daily walks have been hit or miss, weather has not been that cooperative. The little preview of spring we got a couple of weeks ago has retreated and it's now back to 40 degree temps with quite a bit of rain and gloom mixed in.

I have been getting out a little each day, running errands, gradually building up endurance. Plan for today is to pick up my "Fit for Duty" papers from surgeon and then head over to Occupational Health  to get cleared for work, it's rainy and dreary but I would like to get this item off my plate. Though  my activities are increasing, I still feel the need for a nap or "chillin session" most afternoons. I am praying daily for wisdom and enlisting the prayers of others, regarding the choices I make during this recovery period, tendency is still to do too much too soon.

"if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him"  James 1:5

The plan is to return to work on the 4th, I am a little apprehensive, there will be added pressures, and I am concerned about the fatigue. (both physically and mentally) I am planning to ease back into the routine.....going in for just a couple of hours a day, for the first week...then will re-evaluate and see if I need to continue part days for another week....again praying for wisdom....and contentment.

I have been in a cocoon of sorts since my surgery.... I haven't really had to be engaged with the "real world"...it's hard to take that step back into reality again.(especially the reality of the working world)

We have plans for the weekend, one of the reasons I have been trying to walk each day and build up my endurance.... and you thought it was just for work....we shall see how it goes...again the Lord reminding me to hold my plans loosely.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you"
Psalm 32:3

Lovely Catapress patch

Storms of Life

I went to church yesterday, it was the first time I had been since my surgery so I was looking forward to it, my outings have been limited and I was anxious to see some of my friends. What I wasn't prepared for was how difficult it would be, remember emotions spilling over easily. Praise and worship sweet, but the truth of what we were singing brought me to tears and there was nothing I could do to stop them. (and never, ever do I have a tissue when I need one) I wanted to walk out several times and compose myself but resisted and let the spirit do his work in my heart.

The series our church is doing on the book of Jonah continued, with the theme of Sunday's message, "Our Pursuing God"

I did well through most of the sermon until the last 10 minutes when the tears spilled over again as God's truth hit me squarely in the face. Point that hit me so hard..."God's storms equal God's compassion not his punishment. His storms are his compassionate way of getting our attention, of bringing us to the end of ourselves, to help us see what we are really putting our trust in" "To show us our desperate need for him and him alone" We were to repeat this sentence "God's storms in my life are meant to accomplish his saving purposes every time" I couldn't say it, I just sat there with tears streaming down my face, not because I didn't believe what the pastor wanted us to say but because I knew it was true. What I was hearing, mirrored what God had been showing me, another fresh reminder.

I know this is a hard concept to accept, it as been for me, but you need to keep an eternal perspective. We have never been promised our best life here. This is a fallen world filled with broken people... pain... storms... are part of this life. My "cancer storm" may be beginning to calm now but I know there are other storms on my horizon, I see the clouds gathering. My prayer is that I will continue to see the storms in my life as God's compassion, that I will continue to look to him...depend on him...trust in him.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him"  Lamentations 3:22-25

The flowers from Bradford Pear Tree look like snow on the ground

The New Me?

I have been exceptionally emotional lately, starting shortly before my last surgery. I have had more "moments" or "melt downs" in the last two weeks than I have had since my diagnosis, they come without warning, triggered by seemingly everyday occurrences or mundane conversations. I am the type of person who will get misty eyed watching a Hallmark commercial, so tears not unusual for me but this is getting ridiculous, makes me wonder ..."who is this person and how long is she planning to stay"?

Looking at  pictures will make me misty eyed, talking about certain things will make me weepy, and my lastest "meltdown"...that came when I went into the lingerie department, all the poor sales lady did was ask if she could help me.

My husband, has been such a blessing, he encourages, he validates my feelings, he listens to me. I feel bad for him, he has been such a wonderful support through all of this, but I know it has been hard for him too. Make no mistake cancer doesn't just effect the person diagnosised, but all who love that person.

The last several months I have been in crisis mode. My focus had been on just getting through each day. Get through one surgery, deal with side effects from meds and mastectomy, stay well enough to get to reconstruction. Now that the last surgery is over the emotional impact of everything that has happened has hit....hard! I guess I should have expected it but I didn't....not sure how long it will last...but I think it is part of the process.

I know I am blessed, that is not even in question, even thinking about how the Lord has met us during the last several months brings me to tears. Overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and the many people he put in our lives. 

Family and friends beware, emotions spilling over without warning...it's nothing you said or did...really!

"Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll, are they not in your record"  Psalm56:8 

Thinking Clearly

I had to make some decisions today about work. I have gotten several emails from my boss asking when I would be coming back. I tried to keep her updated without really committing but it was no longer working. She has been more than supportive, and I understood, decision made, my goal is to try to go back April 5th. This time, unlike last, I will start off with partial days. I did not anticipate the fatigue last time, lesson learned. One more decision, I would not work at home prior to coming back. I had said I would earlier....because.... why?? The more I started thinking about it the more I realized that it was not in my best interest. What was I trying to prove? I have enough sick time to cover me for six more weeks if needed, so it wasn't a financially based decision. I had said yes because I wanted to be seen as a team player, someone who could be counted on. OK, I am not saying helping out is a bad thing... but... doing work at home, is not going to be helpful to me, I don't need the extra pessure that would be involved with that. After cancer, work was supposed to be down on the priority list...remember? I may be late to the party but at least I finally started thinking clearly.

I have about 12 days to get moving. First thing on the list, try to get dressed before noon....I ditched the sweats yesterday so at least I am in "real" clothes again. Next thing would be to try to walk each day. Walked a couple of blocks yesterday, turned around when I got tired, problem was..still had a couple of blocks till I got home...next time...turn back before you get tired. I did take a drive today to the post office...you would have thought I could have done something a little more fun but it was a necessary errand. My endurance is bad but thankfully all the stomach issues are behind me. Hopefully each day will be better and I can continue to do more.

Goal is set, we shall see what happens, willing to take each day as it comes, willing to hold my plans loosely.

"Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight"  Proverbs  3: 5-6

Changed

I had another appointment with my plastic surgeon today and the last of the sutures have been removed. Why this is such a big deal, it's hard for me to even understand, maybe because it means that surgeries are finally behind me. I have to continue with lifting/pushing /pulling restrictions for another three weeks, nothing heavier than a gallon of milk, but surprisingly I am allowed to drive as long as I don't take any pain meds! Doc said driving actually good exercise, helps stretch out the muscles. Last week I could have cared less, but since I have started to feel a little better the idea of a little excursion is pretty appealing. We will see, maybe I should start with a walk down the block first!

After my appointment, I  walked around my yard, I took a good look at how my garden survived the winter. This was an unusually cold winter for us, hard on a lot of my plants and yard. There are some bright spots, daffodils blooming, hostas peeking up through the ground, lots of perenials greening up under the dead leaves but I've lost a lot as well. Many of my shrubs have dead and broken limbs, there are sunken areas in the yard, empty places where plants once were. I will replant this spring and it will be beautiful again, but different, it won't be the same.

While walking the garden it just struck me how my own life was similiar to my garden. Cancer is hard, it has taken it's toil on me. Just as my garden has changed after a hard winter, I am changed because of my cancer. I have a body that carries the scars of multiple surgeries, responds in ways that can be difficult to deal with, brain doesn't always think clearly, and emotions that spill over too easily. I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last 8 months. This is not who I imagined I would be.... wife, mother, grandmother yes, but "cancer survivor"?! (don't get me wrong I am glad I am a survivor, that's not what I am saying) My bright spots in all of this...one would be the anniversary trip I had with my husband.(wonderful celebration) and the many friends who have rallied around and cared for us so well.

When you are diagnosised with cancer, you don't just wake up one morning and say, "wow, glad this is over" I wish it were that easy. Cancer, now becomes part of who you are. I will continue to see my oncologist and surgeon, though not as frequently. They will look for evidences of cancer's return (my surgeon told me I would be following up with him till he retired..umm he's a lot younger than me, does that mean forever?) Not my focus right now, I just want to enjoy each day and live it with no regrets.