Easing Back into Life

I am beginning to realize things are going to be a little slow for a awhile. I had this idea on how things should progress, you set a goal with a time frame, work towards that goal and voila...everything back to normal. Thought I was being realistic, six weeks following surgery, that should do it...right? I am at week five and am no where near where I thought I would be. I am learning to let go...it's a process, one of the hardest things I have had to learn through this whole thing is to let others do for me. Much easier to be on the giving end instead of the receiving end...very humbling.

I continue to have people helping me...a sweet friend  came over and weeded my garden the other day, simple thing but such a blessing. I continue to have a friend who is doing my laundry and we have only recently finished all the meals the ladies had prepared for us after my surgery.(When food was brought over, there was always more than enough, we would put a portion in the freezer for later use.) God is so kind in putting these precious people in our lives. I am so very thankful.

Progress is slow but it is progress. I continue to increase my household activities and errands and God is giving me wisdom as I go through my day. When the anchor goes down, I stop no matter what my plans might have been. Contentment, it's a struggle sometimes...my life looks a lot different than it did eight months ago.(that's not necessarily a bad thing) There are days when I wish I had more energy...trying to remember this is just a season...this too shall pass...praying for contentment.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul"  Psalm 143:8

Gonna Need to Have a Redo

Monday was my first day back to work since being out for surgery. I really did not anticipate how difficult it would be. Mistakes made on many levels, first of all it was "month end." That's the time period, where all charts have to be completed/processed for billing. Pressure is on, it's crunch time, everyone scrambling, working at high intensity... and this is the day I decided to go back to work after after being off for a month...what was I thinking!

Second mistake... why did I decide to go back to work the Monday after we had been out of town for the weekend? We had gotten back early Sunday afternoon, but I was tired, I probably could have used an extra day to rest up. Had also been a very emotional weekend...we won't even go there right now.

The morning started off well, I work with a group of wonderful people, but after we said our hello's, I started getting ALL my work back...wait...I'm only here a couple hours...I can't pick up where I left off...not yet. When they saw the look in my eyes everyone was quick to back off...but it was too late I was overwhelmed and near tears.

My boss stopped by about an hour later to chat and see how I was doing...told her I was OK, but feeling a little overwhelmed...emotions betrayed me again...She then asked me if I thought about working from home the rest of the week. I told her I would think about it and let her know...why did I have to think about it? I knew this was too much for me right now...but we want approval from others, don't want to appear weak...(that would be me)

I didn't want to work from home before I was ready to come back, but it seems to be the perfect way to ease back into things. I have been able catch up on passed due web based training, look through my active charts and actually started getting work done again. Working at home has given me the opportunity to get my feet wet before I actually jump into the water.

So Monday was a dry run...tried to land...got "waved off" will circle back and make another attempt next week.

Remembering

Today is a day I have been thinking about for several weeks. Last year the 4th of April fell on Easter Sunday. We celebrated like we did every Easter, church in the morning, then my son, and his family stopped over our house and the kids hunted for eggs in the yard. After everyone left we spent the rest of the day relaxing, getting ready for another work week.

The phone rang at 11:30 that night... nothing good comes from phone calls that you get that time of day. My mom was on the other end of the line, I will always remember the tone in her voice. I was confused, someone had died..she kept repeating the name, but it did not make any sense to me...who was she talking about?

My sister's husband had died...he hadn't been sick..he was young...no medical problems that we were aware of...but he was dead...his heart gave out.

The days that followed seemed sureal...my sister was now a widow with many responsibilities on her shoulders. I remember the bewilderment of the family, the pain etched in the faces of his parents...parents aren't meant to bury their children. A son, just beginning to learn what it means to be a man...now without his father.

These are the hard things of life...the things that make no sense this side of heaven. I still wonder why, I don't think there is anything wrong with asking God why. I think about them often...helpless to do much more than pray for them and send a note of encouragement from time to time. They say time heals...maybe...I think time dulls the pain but I don't think it takes it away completely.

 My advice, for what it's worth..if you know someone that has experienced death of a loved one, acknowledge their loss, especially on those special days (birthdays, date of death etc) Trust me, they are already thinking of that person on those days, you will not make them feel any worse.

My other advice...live each day as if it were you're last...don't leave things undone or unsaid, especially when it comes to relationships. You would have thought I would have learned that lesson after this event but no...it took breast cancer to finally drive that concept home...what can I say I'm a slow learner.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you" Isaiah 26:3

A New Tempest Brewing

Life has been pretty stormy for us the last several months... but the seas were starting to calm, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my back, I was looking forward to some smooth sailing. I saw some storm clouds on the horizon, but they seemed distant, no cause for immediate concern.

I didn't see it coming, no time to prepare or batten down the hatches. A new storm, the winds already rocking my boat quite a bit. Helpless to do anything, as I watch it develop, strengthen. Weary from the storm we had already been sailing through...still physically weak, emotionally fragile (more meltdowns) Do I have the strength for this...the answer is no I don't but he does.

"But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"  2Corinthians12:9

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings of eagles; then will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"

Isaiah 40: 29-31

Not sure what the days ahead will bring, but these are  promises I am going to cling to.

Matters of the Heart

Difficult people, they come with many names, coworker, neighbor, client, family member, boss....the list is endless. You know the people I am talking about, they can be rude, opinionated, manipulative, stubborn, inconsiderate, self absorbed...you get the idea.

Yes, we know these people, the question is how do we respond to them, in particular, what is our reaction when we find out that they may be having problems... do we immediately pray, seek them out or do we respond with ambivilence or callous indifference. Remember these are people that intentionally hurt you, or slight you, don't really care about your welfare, go out of their way to make your life difficult.

Wish this was a hypothetical question but I found myself in this position and my response was not exactly "Christ like", mercy, compassion...pretty much lacking. The good news is I didn't "stay there" long. It was a process, needed help from a friend to see things clearly (thank you friend) The spirit convicting me...how could I not extend mercy...wasn't mercy extended to me? Didn't I have a debt I could not pay? Compassion given me? My response to a difficult person revealed my heart I knew the changes that needed to be made.

"Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting"  Psalm 139:23-24

"But I tell you who hear me. Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on the cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you what credit is it to you? Even sinners love those who love them" Luke 6: 27-32