Going Solo

 

Today is my first day alone since surgery. I am feeling better so I am

OK with this. I know it was hard for my husband to go back to work. I am able to do what I need to do for myself. I can make a cup of coffee, have plenty to eat in the fridge thanks to the sweet ladies from our care group who have been providing meals for us this week. Because my range of motion is improving, I can shower and get dressed by myself. My wardrobe still consists of sweats and zip up hoodies. I have a little "nest" built around where I spend most of my day. Books, phones, remotes and IPod on one side and lap top on the other, in addition to pillows, throws etc. I can slide my lap top on and off as needed. I continue to have swelling and pain in my left arm but I think it may be improving. The plastic surgeon recommended massaging the areas that were swollen to help drain the lymph nodes, that along the exercises and elevating arm while at rest seem to have been helping. I have been trying to learn what I can to prevent problems with lymphadema. The surgeon told me that catching it early is key, once

it takes hold it is hard to "cure" it. So I will take the precautions I need to. It's a rainy day today, the perfect kind of day for just laying around, which is all I want to do. I did go into  the garden and took some photo's of my rose It's still flowering even though summer has long been over. I have lots of green tomatoes which will probably never ripen before frost hits, and the pansies. I am so glad we planted those pansies. I walk out my front door and it's like they are smiling at me with their blue and yellow faces. Even my inpatients have taken on a new life now that the heat of summer is over. With a little care we might be able to keep things going a few more weeks. Signs of fall are here as well, even though the temperatures don't feel like it. The leaves have started turning colors and the mornings are cooler. Even though not my favorite time of year, I want to appreciate the beauty and the little blessings each day brings. I came across a scripture yesterday that ministered to me and I felt described the season I am in right now. It's from Jeremiah 17

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him, He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its root by the stream. It does not wither when the heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit" Jer 17:7-8

Another scripture that goes along with this one would be found in Psalm 1

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yield it's fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."  Psalm 1:1-3

My "heat" is breast cancer, but because I trust in the Lord and put my confidence in Him, I am like that tree that sends out it's roots by the stream, I will not wither, my leaves will always be green and I will never fail to bear fruit. The key is to trust in Him, feed on his word and to put my confidence on his promises.

Fighting for Joy

Progress continuing, slow but sure. Range of motion improving in my arms, stamina improving day by day and able to do more for self . My left arm is not making as quick of progress as my right arm. Having swelling, pain and numbness down to the back of the upper arm. Range of motion not as good on that side either. Saw surgeon yesterday for routine followup. He said they had a hard time finding sentinel node on the left so more manipulation done on that side, thus the swelling, numbness from nerve irritation, may get better may not. Instructed me to watch for any signs of lymphadema. Gave me some things to do to help. I left office feeling annoyed that this was an issue. I wanted a smooth post-op recovery. I spent most of the day in a bad mood, totally focused on these new issues. Going down a "rabbit hole" as my husband said, and trying to take him with me. It took me until today before the Lord showed me I was tying my happiness/joy into how I thought I should progress. My joy cannot depend on complications or lack of, prognosis, treatment plan or how I feel my day is going in general. As a child of God my joy should not depend on my circumstances. My joy comes from within.

"Joy in trials says I'm going to find a way to trust Him even though I am not seeing Him" James McDonald

Instead of focusing on what is not going the way I think it should, I need to focus on the great gift that I have. He is with me in all my trials, he is the shade at my right hand, he knows what I am dealing with, again this has not taken him by surprise and he will give me the strength to walk thru whatever I have to walk thru. When I focus on His promises instead of what I am dealing with my with my perspective changes. Another reason to draw closer to Him.
"When anxiety was great within me your consolation brought joy to my soul"  Psalm 94:19

On our own

 My friend left early this morning. I was sad to see her go but anxious for her to get back to her husband. Her presence in the home made this first week post-op so much easier for both myself and my husband. While I spent my days on the recliner, she cooked, did laundry, cleaned and generally helped take care of me. I don't think she will really know how much help she was to us, especially those first few days when we were kind of shelled shocked after the hospital stay. I am getting better physically each day. Have been able to sleep in the bed for the last two nights without having to come downstairs midway to sleep in recliner. Appetite is slowly improving and we even took a little walk to the end of the street and back. I continue to nap during the day but figured my body is in repair mode so am giving myself permission. I still sleep thru part of most movies I try to watch. I have begun to do some range of motion excersises with my arms to help mobility, it's going to be a slow process, still have pain.

Have begun again to be able to get back in the Word. First week was hard, too hard to concentrate. Friend would read scripture, or I would listen a little on my IPod but it was hard. My husband and I talked again today about God's purposes in trials. Still believe there is much for us to learn. Read something today from a book called:

 When Life Is Hard by James McDonald

  " if life is especially hard right now, my word for you is this, Don't waste it! Don't go through these hard times and then, at the end, not even see the purpose for it or get the good God intended for you. Open your life wide to what God wants to accomplish in you"

So that is my continued prayer, that I don't waste this trial. What a pity if I came out of it no different. This cancer has been an interruption in my life but maybe I needed to be interrupted. It has been a wake up call for our family. So I pray that I will be sensitive to the Lord's leading at this time, to see what he wants me to see, to be changed.

"But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.  Job 23:10

My Unsung Hero

Thankful for my sweet husband who has been my biggest support through this. He has been with me at every doctors appointment, waited hours in waiting rooms while testing and surgery done. Prays with me when I am fearful, points me to the truth of God's word. Stayed strong for me even though I knew there were times he would be fearful himself. I know it has been hard for him. So thanks to my love of 35 years, thanks for the multiple sushi meals, because there were times that's all I wanted to eat, thanks for my beautiful bedroom floor, for the pansies, so we could have fall color, for letting me cry when I needed to, for encouraging me, for being my protector, my advocate. Now that surgery is behind me he continues to help in practical ways, helped  me with the drains when they were in, continues to help me get dressed. He has slept in the recliner next to me when I could not sleep in the bed, just so we could be together. He does whatever I need him to do. He does not complain. He is my hero, an example to me. We were supposed to be on an anniversary trip this week,  with the cancer diagnosis it had to be rescheduled. When we finally make the trip, hopefully in January, there will be more than 35years together to celebrate. We will celebrate getting thru a cancer diagnosis as well.

Good news

Visit to the plastic surgeon yesterday and there is good news. Final pathology in, and the sentinel node was clear of any cancer, which means cancer was at an early stage and contained in the breast. Round of tears and tissues for all! Treatment will be determined at my oncologist appointment Novemeber 1, but for now I am just so thankful and I want to stay in the blessing of this good news and not diminsh it by worrying about future treatment. God will give me the grace for that when the time comes. Other good news, drains are out!! This was unexpected because I had been told they would stay in for two weeks. Having them out has greatly increased my comfort level.  I am still pretty dependent for just about everything and this is so fustrating to me. I need to be reminded, that even though I am so dependent, I have a wealth of assist at my call. So, I have much to be grateful for. My prayer is that I will be more thankful for the provision God has supplied than my fustration at my dependence. He has been right on time with my every need and just when I seem to need it.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new each morning; great is your faithfulness"   Lamentations 3:22-23