Battleground of The Mind

Responding in love when it's hard, if this sounds like a familiar post it's because it is a battle I am continuing to have. This is how the routine usually works, a comment will be made, my feelings will get hurt...then I will get mad..then I will "stew" about it a bit...finally...I will take the matter to prayer...the Lord will convict me...give me clarity...I will repent..then get peace. Until the next time...then the cycle starts all over again...it's exhausting. I know what my responses should be, but head knowledge one thing living out what you believe another. My responses not honoring to the Lord.

Part of our sermon yesterday addressed could not have been more timely...(we are still in the book of Jonah) Remember God loves these people,(the ones we have a hard time responding to in love) he has compassion for them, I needed God's eyes. Questions we were to ask God (this taken right from our sermon)

1. God how do you see this person?
2. Will you help me see this person the way you see them?
3. Will you give me the eyes to see past the veneer to the brokenness inside?
4. Will you give me your heart for those around me?

Needed to hear this, I had been "nursing" some hurt feelings...it was all about me...not real helpful. Heart has not been in the right place, I need a change. The Lord will be faithful to help me though this, its going to be about daily dying to self, so I can see the bigger picture. Praying that the Lord will continue to let me see others thru his eyes, look beneath the veneer, and that he would give me a heart of compassion for the lost around me. Direct my responses, show me how to best love.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven"  Matthew 5:14-16

I Think We Might Be There

I feel like I am returning from a faraway place...like I've been gone for awhile...but life is beginning to look a little familiar again...routines starting to fall in place.

Work went well this week, I will probably resume my normal hours next week, gonna miss that afternoon nap. The weather has been nice, I was able to get outside and do a little gardening (I transplanted seedlings into bigger pots, does that count as gardening?)

Appointments took the better part of my day yesterday. First was the plastic surgeon...this was the appointment I had been waiting for...I am now able to do what ever I want, no more restrictions (first thing I did when I went home was pull some weeds in the garden, it felt wonderful) There will be continued followups...forever?..if so just add him to the list. Compassionate guy, on my first followup appointment after my mastectomy he called the lab to find out if my pathology report was in, had it faxed, then gave me a copy. (I didn't expect to find out anything till I saw the surgeon the following week)

Ended my day at the eye doctor...been three months since corneal ulcer healed. "Readers" no longer an option, I need something for distance as well...I am just "legal" to drive. Had me trial contacts last week...very nervous (contacts caused the ulcer) but I did well...think I am going to give them another try...they have to come out every night and I have a pretty cool cleaning contraption. Wearing them makes me feel like myself again...I had no idea it would make that much of a difference in how I felt.


Cool little cleaning device for contacts

My tendency is to try to rush back into life but I feel like the Lord is telling me to slow down...not so fast...look to me...I will guide you. I am praying for wisdom and continued contentment...I know he is directing my path.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you"

Psalm 32:8

Little Miss

I am shamelessly dedicating today's post to a precious little girl.  This little one is a bundle of energy, always ready to give hugs and kisses, especially when she knows she might be in trouble. Recently I was scolding her for walking on my couch, she leaned over and kissed me, just as I was telling her to sit down...grandma melts...sigh!

She loves baby dolls and her favorite activity is pushing those "babies" in her little stroller around the house. Our dog runs and hides when he sees her coming...unless it's suppertime...then it's worth the risk...never know what might drop to the floor. 

Eyes are blue, hair is blonde with loose curls that never seem to want to stay in any hair device I put them in. I am not an expert at this hair stuff...I raised two sons...need I say more. (my own hair always short) She is the youngest of three children, there is another girl and a boy. These little ones are treasures...truly gifts from God...they have brought much joy into our lives, we know we have much to be thankful for (and did I mention they live close by...so we get to see them regularly...another blessing)


" Son's are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are son's born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate"
Psalm 127:3-5

"Children's children are a crown to the aged and children are the pride of their children"  Proverbs 17:6

Dirty Laundry

I have mentioned before that I have someone doing my laundry, temporarily...it has been a great help, but you have no idea how hard it was to let someone do that. Think about it, really think about someone doing your laundry..everything. It's all out there, the rips and tears, the stains, the items you would rather not be out in the open. Like I said it was real hard for me...how could I possibly give my friend ALL my laundry. Would you hold certain things back? I wanted to.

This is the second time I've had help with the laundry, the first time was after my first surgery. It was last fall that the the Lord showed me how letting someone do my laundry, was similar to letting others see the "dirty laundry" in my spiritual life, you know sharing the good, the bad and the ugly with those who would be close to you...like those in your small group. I was one who who did not want anyone seeing my "dirty laundry" Reluctant to share or be transparent, fueled by fear of man, pride and/or rejection I would keep much of my laundry out of the light of day.

Then came cancer...that changed everything. I had come across an article a few months before by John Piper "Don't Waste Your Cancer" it was time to reread it...it gave me a new perspective on things...a new prayer...Lord don't let me come out of this the same...if you want change it requires action. I started to let people in, became more authentic, was willing to air my "dirty laundry" so God could begin to change my heart. I started this blog shortly after that, something way, way, way out of my comfort zone but felt the Lord was telling me...time to get real...time to get all the laundry out in the open, the blog was also a place to record the whole breast cancer journey.

I wanted change, I did not want to come out of this the same. I would never chosen to have breast cancer...but God has been able to use it for his purposes. I am not the same, I look at life differently,relationships are much more important, I have new priorities...I try to see things with a more eternal perspective. You know we don't always understand why bad things happen, don't always get to see the good things that come from trials...I have been blessed in this respect because God has allowed me to see some good that has come from this.

Just in case you were wondering...yes I am going to continue to blog...but I hope it will be less about breast cancer and more about the simple day to day and how the Lord is working in my life and things he is showing me along the way.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal"  2 Corinthians 4:17-18

He Directs my Steps

The last two days have been beautiful, weather beginning to warm up and there is signs of life everywhere. We decided after church we would head out to Botanical Gardens, it's a great place to spend an afternoon. We walked about an hour, there were benches throughout the garden, places to sit and enjoy the view. Camila garden was beautiful, azaleas just starting to flower, should be a gorgeous show in another week or two. I am blessed to have a husband who enjoys the gardens as much as I do, we are already planning our return visit.

Work yesterday....I made it. I prayed for grace that morning...Lord just give me the grace I need to get through the day. Much different Monday than last week. A  plant with little yellow flowers waiting for me on my desk, ready to plant in my garden.(a gift from a friend) I received encouragement and offers of assist from my coworkers, it was a much calmer atmosphere. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers. I worked about five hours, then decided it was time to go. Praying that the Lord will continue to direct me in this transition.

My continuing to work is a subject my husband and I have talked about. I decreased my time to twenty hours a week when I went back to work in December. I now only work three days a week. We really haven't been able to determine how this new schedule is working for us (there was the holidays, vacation, then out again for surgery) so we don't feel like we should make any decisions right now. My husband and I  will revisit this subject in a couple of months...we need to see how the current changes work first... and our lives may be changing again. Praying  the Lord will continue to direct our steps.

"O Lord you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in, behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me."  Psalm 139: 1-5